BUT. GOD. – What’s next for the tiny house girl?

I’m currently laying in the sun watching the trees sway in the breeze as pine needles drift to the gravel ground on teaberry acres.

Having just returned home from a funeral of a life well lived, I contemplate my own life and what’s next for me.

Some time ago, I began experiencing a “new pain.” Pain is no stranger to me, however “new pain” is always alarming. After many back and forth phone calls with my surgeon and more tests, it has been discovered that the site where my small intestine was connected to my rectum following my colectomy is not doing well.

I went through the normal “try this and try that” without success. As my surgeon entered the room, I looked up with my furrowed brow and racing heart to hear her ask “so what do you want to do?”

My flesh made the decision long before my spirit. My flesh made the “easier decision” to attempt a “re-do” of the connection site. However, when I left her office, I had zero peace.

I drove the back roads to my office fighting the racing thoughts and fears with every single turn.

With a phone call to a friend, my spirit broke. Tears streamed down my face as I spoke the words “ I don’t want another surgery.” She asked the important question, “what does God want you to do?”

In my flesh I wanted the easy way out. BUT. GOD.

With another phone call to my friend who is oh so good with the logistical side of life, I explored my options as I recapped the journey of the last 14 years of a body that isn’t meant for this world.

I hung up the phone, without any more peace and attempted to go to bed. Yet, my body tossed and turned as my flesh fought with The Spirit. You see, the third option the surgeon presented, was an ileostomy.

At 1:30 in the morning, I surrendered my will to His. It has taken me over a month to write this post and to say these words. Because in my flesh I am terrified and fearful. An ileostomy is a very life changing surgery. One that will take quite some time to adjust.

BUT. GOD.

In my Spirit, there is peace. There is peace in surrender. Not my will but His. I imagine Jesus in the garden. His anxiety so high, He sweated blood. And yet he spoke the words “not my will but yours.”

In a month I’ll have my digestive system once again re-routed in hopes of bypassing the “troubled” areas.

Am I terrified? 100%

Do I have peace? 100%

I believe fear and peace can co-exist as we live in our earthly bodies while also allowing the Holy Spirit to fill us.

I covet your prayers as I prepare for the journey ahead. If you would like to help practically, I’ve created a wishlist for some items that would be helpful as I again navigate another new way of life.

You can click Here to view my Amazon wish list.

Thank you for sharing in this journey with me. Life in the flesh is hard and challenging some days. BUT. GOD. He is kind and compassionate. He cares. He knows. He loves.