The emotions hit me in waves today as I transferred my last client over to our outpatient team.
As I said “see you later to so many awesome co-workers” and changed my voicemail to say “don’t leave a message, I won’t be back until 2025.”
I tidied up my office and flipped my door indicator to “out of office.”
While I don’t know what the future holds, I know the one who holds the future and I don’t say that lightly or contritely.
As one who has endured quite a bit of medical trauma, I can be tempted to fear (and I have). In fact, I sat before the Lord Tuesday night and listed them out, one by one. As I listed them out, I asked Him to speak His truth over them. Thinking He would give me a verse for each one, instead He gave me one verse that covers them all:
He reminded me, He will supply all of my needs. If I need it, He will supply it. End of story.
And just because of His great love, He’s even supplied some of my wants! I’m incredibly humbled by the outpouring of gifts to help make recovery just a little bit more comfortable. So thank you. Thank you for journeying with me.
When the Lord grants me breaks from the bathroom this weekend, I’ll post how you can pray.
As I sit sipping my morning coffee with Maggie Marie sitting on my lap, I hear the laughter of grown men coming amongst the smell of a fire wafting from the fire pit at Teaberry Acres. It’s barely 10am on Saturday morning and the trees are falling.
The only word that is coming to my mind at this moment is humility.
In many Christian cultures we are taught that to accept help is a sign of weakness. We should be able to help ourselves, don’t ya know? God gave us arms and legs to work.
So I sit and battle the old woman. The old woman who would never ask for help. The old woman who would push herself, condemn herself, berate herself and fight till the death. The old woman who wants to pull on her muck boots, grab her work gloves and join the men dawning their chain saws.
And yet.
Here I sit with Maggie Marie on my lap and my morning coffee turning cold.
If God created the body (and He did), than who am I to tell the feet to stay still or the hands to stay in the pockets or the mouth to remain silent?
Each part of the body serves a function. If the leg is broken, the hips adjust, the hands grip the crutch, the eyes open a little wider…
So today, as my body reminds me that I am broken, my mental shift turns to gratitude that the body of Christ has shown up to clean up the wreckage of winds storms gone by at Teaberry Acres.
Humbling? 100%
Grateful? 100%
God is doing a new thing in my mind, body & soul.
I am here for it.
To the men and woman who showed up today. You are the body of Christ. Thank you for teaching me.
As I sit by my bay window and watch the sun set on another day at Teaberry Acres my heart knows a peace it hasn’t felt in days.
I’ve noticed a restlessness that is ever so familiar leading up to the days of Drs appointments and surgery.
I’ve been taking more milligrams of melatonin and accomplishing many tasks around teaberry acres. You may be wondering to yourself, what’s the big deal with that?
One word.
Anxiety.
I believe beyond knowing Jesus, one of the best gifts we can give ourselves is to be a student of ourselves.
For me, I know that my inability to sit still or to sleep at night is a flag and the flag’s name is anxiety.
So rather than come home and spread the ton of gravel my awesome neighbor dropped off for me (because yes, I thought that would be a great idea the week before surgery…), I sat still.
I asked the Lord what my soul was anxious about. It really came down to one word.
Control.
Control can be an idol in my life. I love routine, I love stability, I love predictability…all of which encompass control.
My life is going to look VERY different these next three months. Very unpredictable, unstable and maybe not so routine for the first month or more.
So the Lord gave me the picture of the classic trust fall. If you’ve ever been to camp or done team building exercises you know what I am talking about. Where you stand on a table, put your arms across your chest and then fall backwards expecting others to catch you.
He has planned this all out for me. He is asking me to trust Him.
A friend gave me this book for my post surgery read
But I felt called to open a chapter tonight. The soul question was:
“What do I most deeply cherish?”
The answer will often reveal what causes our anxiety and for me, it’s the idol of control.
So I sit in peace, in the stillness of the setting sun as the crickets begin their night song tonight, knowing that with surrender comes trust.
Will you pray with me that I can keep my heart in the place of surrender and trust?
I really should have started keeping a question book about all the questions I’ve gotten over the past few years… so I wanted to step away from all the health updates to debunk some tiny house living myths and maybe answer some questions you have had (even if you know…just in your head 😉
1.) I have to get rid of Alll of my stuff!
This myth just isn’t true. Might you have to get rid of some things? Sure. But truth be told, I got rid of very little when moving to THE121. Of course you’ll have to decipher between WANTS vs. NEEDS but I’ve found there’s also room for the things I want!
2.) I won’t be able to have friends over.
Also a myth. Fun fact.. at one time I had 22 friends inside THE121 at once! I can neither confirm nor deny that some may have been standing in the shower…).
THE121 can sleep 6 and I can fit 7 around my table and honestly as an introvert, 7 people is about my max! 😂
Friends around the table!
3.) I’ll have to give up my hobbies.
Fun fact, this tiny house girl has a side gig. It was very important to me to be able to keep said side gig. So my amazing builder designed my house to accommodate! I have room to sew, make t-shirts and truly do everything I want!
Embroidered blankets I made for an eventMaggie helping do a little cricut action.
4.) I won’t have enough storage
Would you believe me if I said I think I have too much space?? I’ve said it before. In fact, Maggie Marie has her own room! I have TWO closets in my bedroom, an entire storage loft, storage under my stairs (customized to fit my sewing machines), storage under my couch, kitchen cabinets, storage under my kitchen sink AND a broom closet! In the bathroom, I have storage under the sink, a medicine cabinet and a secondary storage closet.
My mother up in the storage loft.
5.) I won’t be able to take showers everyday and/or I won’t have modern luxuries.
Yes I’ve heard this one! While I do conserve water, I have lived in THE121 for 2 years and I have NEVER ran out of water! God has always provided. Not only do I shower frequently, I also have HOT showers!
I would also tell you that I have all the modern luxuries that those who don’t live tiny have. I have internet, TV, a washer and dryer, and I use to have a dishwasher (RIP to the dishwasher…).
So those are just a few. Sure, I’ll offer the disclaimer that I’m just one person, but life can adjust however you want it to (or not).
Got more questions? Shoot them my way! As you can tell, I’m pretty passionate about tiny living!
I saw a great question today on social media that asked, “Why do you go to church.”
This question struck me today as, for the first time in a month, I was able to be in person at church in person. There’s something completely different about being in person than going online…
Although side note: I am SUPER grateful my church livestreams!
Taken last week as a reminder!
My weekends, when I’m eating solid foods, are spent…well…emptying.
So as I chose to do liquids this week, God gave me the opportunity to attend in person!
So why do I go to church?
Community – sure community can be sticky and tricky and messy. It can also be strong and building and encouraging. I know I’m not meant to live on a deserted island (although some days it’s tempting!) and so the best community I have ever had, has always been found at church.
Change – can I change without going to church? Sure. But for me, growth and change happens as I am challenged from the pulpit WEEKLY as well as from my community group WEEKLY. I 100% love that I am challenged to grow as a result of strong Biblical preaching that is relevant, relatable and 100% Biblically. One of my constant prayers is that I will continue to be sanctified and Church is one tool God uses in multiple ways.
Christ – this one should really be first! Christ died for me. He died for you. We are broken people. We need Christ. The church (broken and all) is His. It’s another place that I can gather with His people, worship Him, draw near to Him and allow Him to speak into me.
As a survivor of Spiritual Abuse, I can 100% understand so many hesitations to enter into a place where harm has happened, and if that’s you…I am truly sorry.
I can speak for myself that I am so grateful I haven’t given up on the church (although I have been tempted many times).
I would love to dialogue more if you have any questions and oh, if you’re looking for a great church, I think mine is pretty great! You can check it out Here.
I sat at my desk today scheduling clients as usual and it really started to hit me…24 days… while it may seem so far away for some, to me, it appears like a blip on the radar.
I’ve lost count by this time of what # surgery this is, in the grand scheme, it doesn’t really matter.
What does matter? That I seek the face of my Father, that I shelter under his wing (Ps. 91:4). He and He alone is my safe place. To refuge in anyone else or anything else would (and has) led to disappointment.
So I’m trying to do things different this time around.
First and foremost, I’m trying to rest BEFORE surgery. I’m not completing the 1 million projects I need want to do. I’m trying to be kind to my body even though my brain screams…
DO ALL THE THINGS!!!
I’m taking more deep breaths and savoring more moments.
Secondly, I’m asking for help. (Shocking, I know!)
This is where you come in…
Here are several ways you can help
Pray (seriously this is number 1!). I’ll post more specifically as things progress but for now will you pray that I will continue to surrender my will at His feet?
As of now I could be in the hospital up to a week. I hate hospitals and can spiral quickly while I’m there! So I’m asking if you can to record a short video of your favorite encouraging verse that I can watch when I’m there (shoot me a message for my email or phone #), I’m going to make a compilation video!
I’ve created an Amazon wish list. These are NOT things I need but (as I have learned) can help make recovery a little bit more comfortable. So if you’re compelled, I’ve attached my Amazon wish list Here.
I think one of the biggest question we ask is “why do things happen the way they do?”
I’ve asked it, and my guess is, so have you.
I found myself in a great deal of pain again last night. I wrestled with God over what my next steps should be and I knew it was to go to the ER.
With my medical trauma, the ER isn’t my favorite place. Being re-traumatized…also… isn’t on my top list of fun things to do.
But ultimately my job is to listen and obey.
I just happened to be at Bible Study with some amazing women when the tears came and God asked me to go.
Nearly all of them volunteered to take me and I accepted. Which for me…shows growth and healing. My stubbornness often gets the best of me. But a stone of remembrance this was.
My friend who took me is also a masseuse and reflexologist. I can say with 100% certainty that I’ve never had someone utilize reflexology on my feet while I’ve been in the hospital and OH. MY. WORD. WHAT a difference!!!
From pain management to the Holy Spirit sitting with me around the clock, for the first time, I sat in a hospital room with complete peace.
So why was I there?
I don’t know. That’s my honest answer.
Pain management? Yes.
To remember? Yes.
For God to show me and remind me that He is with me. That He cares. That He sees. That He knows.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
I believe He allowed this as a trial run of sorts. To use as a stone of remembrance for the day, one month from now when, Lord willing, my colon gets removed.
Many of you know that I live with an invisible disability. If you hang around me long enough you can start to notice that the invisible becomes visible, but to the average eye…it’s just invisible.
As of late it has greatly impacted my quality of life. I’ll spare you the details but suffice it to say, my weekends are generally spent emptying my GI tract.
I’ve sought many “professional” advice, but mostly I’ve cried out to God asking Him to lead and direct.
One day on my drive home as I was lamenting, I felt the Lord asking me to pull over and call Danville.
Danville?
No thank you Lord.
Don’t you remember Lord! That’s where this all began!
Yes.
Danville.
So out of obedience, I pulled over and called.
I obtained a very quick appointment with a gastrointestinal surgeon.
Fast Forward a month to May.
I met with the surgeon who confirmed what another Dr. had recommended and that was all the confirmation I needed.
With one test and 6 weeks of prayer, I knew the next step was to have my colon removed.
So when I met with the surgeon for my follow up, my heart was at peace with the recommendation.
On Sept. 23rd, Lord willing, I’m scheduled to have my colon removed in Danville.
My hope isn’t in the surgeon or the surgery being successful. My hope is in God and God alone.
While I am hopeful this surgery will enhance my quality of life my hope doesn’t lie in this. Even if God chooses not to heal me, He is still good.
There’s a possibility I could go sooner if a cancellation happens. In the meantime I covet your prayers. I’ll be posting more in upcoming days but for now you can pray that I will continue to find my hope in Him and Him alone.
It seems a little surreal to write that title! Two years ago on this day at 7:45 in the morning a few of us gathered at Teaberry Acres to welcome THE121 on her maiden voyage home!
I can honestly say that morning, those 120 minutes were the most nerve wracking minutes of my entire life. Thanks to a few skilled ex-Amish men and my amazing excavator, after two hours (from the road to the pad) from start to finish, THE121 landed with only a few scrapes and bruises.
Enjoy the video below that highlights the past 2 years of THE121 @ Teaberry Acres.
In some ways life looks a lot different and in other ways I’m still the simple girl living her simple life off grid somewhere in the woods of Pennsylvania.
The journey would not be possible without my God who has guided me each and every moment. He laughs with me. He cries with me. He talks with me. He has made the journey worth it.
So Happy 2nd Birthday house. I’ll enjoy you as long as the Lord allows.
Tiny House Girl 