Category: Mental Health

Finding healing and help

When they don’t play nice

God has done a miraculous work. There. I wrote it. I have been pain free for days. You’ve read all about it.

But what happens when things don’t go as planned? What happens when God doesn’t work in ways you expect?

That happened yesterday.

I received the phone call I wasn’t expecting.

My unnamed job isn’t playing nice.

I’ll refrain from the details for there’s a lot to work out, which may or may not include a fight I wasn’t expecting.

Money I was expecting that won’t show up.

You get the drift.

What happens then?

I cried. I said some words. I made a phone call to a friend who talked me off the ledge. I prayed. A lot.

With new mornings, really do come new mercies. A new perspective.

What if, the disappointment is a gift?

What if God wants to provide in other ways?

What if God wants to stretch my faith?

And so today I recalled all the ways God has shown himself faithful in just the last 4 weeks.

Friends who show up and bring meals.

Friends who climb ladders to a loft to help clean and discard.

Friends who just come and sit.

Just this week, a friend who made me a delicious lunch

And another friend texting today that she was bringing dinner tonight.

Unexpected blessings of provisions.

When others don’t play nice. When things don’t go as I might hope or as expected, I trust that God has other plans. I do today what God is asking me to do today and I will do the same tomorrow.

A wise friend once said, “All I have to do today is follow Jesus.”

In the meantime will you pray with me for God’s provisions?

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Nothing Ordinary about it

This may look like an ordinary field on an ordinary day.

You may see the green grass and the hint of the leaves starting to change with autumn knocking on our door.

This picture may seem ordinary.

However, it is anything but ordinary to this tiny house girl. I paused today to take this picture as a reminder that it’s been over a year since Maggie Marie and I were able to go on a long walk.

Pain had hindered me from doing most things and yet, here we are taking ordinary pictures on an ordinary day with an extraordinary God!

When speaking to a friend today, she asked me how I was doing. I use to dread that question. However, I now love it as it gives an opportunity to explain what God has done!

I really am feeling great physically! My current struggle is staying hydrated. Honestly, I found myself telling her that drinking enough isn’t my favorite thing to do. My friend reminded me to reframe.

This is my new reframe “I am learning new ways to care for my new body.”

And that friends is a phenomenal reframe. God has indeed given me a new body. A body that can walk more than a mile to enjoy God’s beautiful creation.

May we all be reminded, not to get stuck in what may seem ordinary, but rather take time to find the extraordinary.

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How’s it going?

I’m coming up on the 1 month mark and truthfully, it doesn’t feel that long!

So how’s it going?

Physically, I just can’t believe the difference! Physically, I feel great (just a little sore…healing ya know!).

Mentally, I’m still adjusting. I truthfully feel like I’m getting to know myself again. Not the tiny house girl from 14 years ago, but who am I now and how do I honor this broken body that God is making whole?

I have been finding a lot of Jesus on my beautiful new porch. These crisp (feel like fall) days, the perfect of perfectest weather.

When I saw the completed porch, I knew there was just one thing missing. A rocking chair.

The movement of rocking can help calm the nerves and relax our parasympathetic system. So before I get all therapeutic…look it up 🙂

Rocking chairs can be rather expensive and on a short term disability budget, I knew it was out of the question. I began to pray and ask God for a rocking chair.

Maggie Marie and I have begun to walk a few days a week to begin to rebuild my core and leg strength that has been desecrated.

On one of our lovely end of summer walks this past week, I noticed some rocking chairs in a neighbors yard.

What can it hurt to ask?

I asked.

“I will find you the best!”

He replied.

And that my friends is how God provided a free rocking chair for this anxiety prone tiny house girl.

This beautiful chair shows the weathered signs of days gone by and you know, I think I quite like her that way.

It will serve as a visual reminder that I too am a little weathered worn. And yet, God can still use me to help others soothe their anxiety ridden parasympathetic system.

So how’s it going?

Healing isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon and God continues to show me day in and day out that He is all about the healing.

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Grandma B style please

My beloved sister came out to stay with me several days post op. One morning as she was graciously making my breakfast, she asked me how much butter I would like on my toast.

“Grandma B style please.”

We both laughed because she immediately knew how much butter I meant.

A lot.

And then some.

Grandma B was known for liking some toast with her butter and we have all since fallen in her footsteps, much to our cardiologists dismay.

This morning as I toasted my butter, a smile came across my face as I recall the abundance.

Life hasn’t been easy.

Life wasn’t easy for Grandma B either.

I wonder if butter was her one luxury?

In the ups, the downs and life in the middle, I recall the abundance of God’s faithfulness.

This morning as I study in Ephesians chapter 1, verse 11 popped off the page

He makes everything work out according to His plan.

For those who are suffering that can feel a little harsh.

The question of why God allows suffering, is one for the ages.

I can only share my personal experience.

I will tell you that I know God in ways I never would have known God before. I have changed in ways that I can only attribute to the long wrestling. I have had opportunities that have only opened because of my suffering.

Could God have done it other ways? Sure. Would I have been willing? Honestly, I don’t know.

And so, this morning I recount the abundance. Through lathers of butter, Grandma B still continues to point me to Jesus.

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Learning a new way

As I approach the two week mark of this new broken body of mine there are so many highs, but I also want to acknowledge the lows.

The highs involve being nearly pain free for all but one or two days. For a girl who has lived in chronic pain, I can’t express what this means.

My beloved sister coming to care for me for several days and doing the dirtiest of dirty work (think Mike Roe would have loved to do an episode dirty work).

Being stronger mentally than I have been in months and the ability to lay on the couch with the sun streaming through my puppy kissed windows, does something deep for the soul.

Enjoying the company of friends and laughing until it hurts…more.

I, however, must continue to acknowledge that my body is broken.

With this broken body, it hates new things. In turn, it tries to reject that which is new. Namely in the form of hives.

I have a large outbreak that I have been battling for about the last five days. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I am convinced that in hell, there will be eternal itching.

Unfortunately the hives are underneath my wafer which has to be worn, or else mount saint stoma spews…EVERYWHERE.

This is my current battle zone.

Speaking of Mt. saint stoma. She does spew, with no warning and no control. She also speaks…a lot! So if you’re coming to visit, get ready for the show!

Regardless of the highs and the lows, God is still faithful. I will never be whole this side of heaven. If God heals me or if He doesn’t. He is still good.

All in all, my heart is full of gratitude. I continue to heal. I continue to learn. I continue to lament. I continue to celebrate. Namely, I feel it all.

The highs. The lows. Everything in between.

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He is good

Maggie Marie is snoring at the end of the couch. My sister is in the loft working remotely and I sit with coffee in hand overlooking the acres reflecting on the goodness of God.

If you would have asked me a week ago if I thought I would be sitting in my house drinking a coffee today, I would have emphatically answered not likely, and yet, here I am.

Perhaps it was a grace that I didn’t know what to expect this time around. A grace for the work that I needed to do in my own heart.

I believe we all go through levels of surrender, and if we are willing, the Father will take us deeper and deeper.

If I were still in the hospital. If I didn’t pull through like I thought, no matter the what if’s, it would never change the character of God.

I can celebrate the losses along with the wins.

I am still quite sore and VERY nauseous. I’m continuing to learn this new broken and blessed body. This broken and blessed body that is keeping me alive.

He is for us.

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It’s Better than you think

A few weeks ago while talking to one of my groups about my upcoming surgery, a gentleman said “what if it’s better than you think?”

I honestly brushed him off at first because seldom has surgery ever gone well for me. However, I began to ponder his gentle words.

What if?

Fear and trepidation gripped me before my name was called to walk the very long walk to floor 2 for pre-surgery prep.

My gracious friend prayed, I prayed.

We breathed.

A lot.

The volunteer porter was from where I lived for 13 years, a God nod that He was taking care of me as she distracted me with stories of days gone by.

I went into battle.

Battle against the flesh. Battle against the lies.

What if it’s better than you think?

My surgeon came over and held my hand.

Grace.

I woke up to my friend and no pain.

Mercy.

My roommate went to the coffee shop and bought me a coffee this morning.

Gratitude.

Kindness.

I go back to school today to learn how to take care of this new broken body.

This body that has kept me alive.

This body that He knows full well.

I sit in my hospital bed with acute awareness of the grace of God in my life.

A gratefully heart, a full ostomy bag and a warm coffee.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be home.

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Trust Fall

I’m currently sitting in a sterile dr’s office that appears to be stuck in an era before I was born.

The dr’s voices outside, the crumbling of the strange tissue paper substance being pulled off of the exam table along with the rumbling of the hvac system is activating my nervous system.

BREATHE.

As I take time to reflect, be present and look ahead to what is to come, I can only describe my feelings with one word.

TRUST.

I had the great privilege last night of hosting my community group at Teaberry Acres. As I was processing what I am feeling, the visual that comes to my mind is that of a trust fall.

If you’ve ever been to camp or have participated in a “team building” exercise, you may already know the visual.

One participant stands on top of a table with their arms folded across their chest and their back facing a team standing on the ground. A few people stand on one side with their arms outstretched, while a few people stand on the other side the same. The object is that the person standing on the table falls backwards “trusting” that the people with the outstretched arms will “catch” their fall.

I did it once when I was in high school. Haven’t done it since for obvious reasons. NOTHING about the experience was enjoyable.

Somewhere, I hear the voice of my camp counselor in my head saying “but did you Die?”

I may or may not have said back “no you idiot, go buy glasses.”

I can neither confirm nor deny.

As I look ahead, I look back and remember.

God CAN be trusted.

He has ALWAYS held me.

He has ALWAYS caught me.

BREATHE.

I feel like I’m on the edge. Ready to fall while remembering it’s not the scrawny high school girls who are going to catch my fall, but the loving arms of my Father.

And just for funsies, enjoy some amazing pics that my friend Nicole took last night of God’s beautiful creation @ Teaberry Acres.

Dusk is one of my favorite times of the day at the acres.
The night sky through the woods
The heavens declare His majesty.
And of course the cutest dog who made herself a a home in the ferns to stay cool.

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Cue the Confetti 🎉

I can remember the day as if it just happened. I barely slept a wink. I hopped in my truck and greeted my friends around 6am at Teaberry Acres.

The anticipation spread through my muscles like the weight of several sumo wrestlers.

THE121 was making her maiden voyage from Holmes County Ohio. She had left at midnight and would be making her arrival to PA at dawn.

Even now, as I recall the adventure, my muscles tighten and my lips form a smile.

I will still tell you, that to this day, her arrival to her landing, was still the most harrowing 2 hours of my entire life.

On August 12, 2022 at 6am, she arrived.

It’s hard to believe it has been 3 years of God’s unending faithfulness.

The prayer that was prayed over this house on that day 3 years ago was that this house would be a place of healing.

Driving to another sight this morning for work, I had time to reflect all the ways that God has answered that prayer.

The solace and quiet that teaberry acres provides, has allowed ample opportunity for healing in the following ways:

Physically: 4 surgeries and a 5th on the horizon, THE121 has held my physical body and provided shelter and space to heal this God given broken body. She has also helped to heal my wounded nervous system. I remember the day I came home to a house flooded with my complete water reserve. Friends showed up within minutes, helping me to reframe that I am not alone.

Spiritually: The peace filled acres with God’s creation at every single angle of the eye is a constant reminder that God is here. He has quieted my Spirit to help me begin to heal from countless years of Spiritual abuse and trauma. He is helping me to reframe that He is a loving and gracious creator, Father, friend, caretaker and guide.

Mentally: He has helped me to heal mentally by surrounding me with so much that thrills my soul. The woods, the animals, the birds, my new “Croft” He is helping me to know and learn that I am valuable. That I am worth investing in.

Emotionally: He has awakened my soul to the countless emotions He has created me to feel. My first year here at THE121 I spent the entire year studying emotions in Scripture. God has created us in His image, what amazing creatures we are with alllllll the emotions.

So cue the confetti! Happy 3rd Birthday to THE121 @ Teaberry Acres. May this house continue to be a house of healing for not just this tiny house girl, but all who enter therein.

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X Marks the Spot

Except it was a circle.

Her eyes were kind. Her long shoulder length hair interspersed with salt and pepper. The creases around her eyes showed the years of compassion she has poured out on many souls like mine, who sat across from her, our own furrowed brow.

My hands slid up and down the leggings on my thighs, remembering that I am human. My body heavy in the chair.

The kind eyed lady pulled out some crinkly material from her scrub pocket and laid them on the counter.

How about we start here.

Sure.

I nodded with trepidation.

She explained the crinkly pouches.

You’ll wake up with this one.

Sure.

She then pulled out of her other scrub pocket what she called “her Bible.”

Somehow, the worn pages gave me comfort. It signified she used it often.

When you wake up, when I come to see you, we can use this.

Trial and error.

Her “Bible” was a catalog of supplies.

Sure.

I was doing “ok” until she reached for the marker in front of her.

Sit natural.

In my mind, I was rifling through the Rolodex to find where “natural” fit into the terminology of having a hole cut into my abdomen to pull my small intestine through it.

I couldn’t find it.

Stand up.

Lay down.

Sit. Up.

I think that looks good.

That feels right.

The circle.

With just a few moves of my tired body, the circle signified the spot.

As I sit cross cross apple sauce writing my thoughts from my day, I feel my body. I honor my body. I honor the God given broken body that is mine.

I wonder if I’ll be able to ever sit like this again.

I cling to my Jesus.

I mourn what was.

I wonder what will be.

I honor the kind eyed nurse who had compassion on this trepidatious girl.

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