Category: Mental Health

Finding healing and help

Some things aren’t meant to last forever.

It was about this same time, on a blustery winter day in 2021 that I drove from Ohio to Pennsylvania to interview for a psychotherapist position. It was less than 24 hours after awaking from anesthesia and I have zero doubt that I bombed the interview.

BUT. GOD.

The man took a chance on this country girl from Ohio and hired her despite her inabilities.

A few months later, I packed my car, along with Maggie Marie and drove off into a very unknown adventure.

May 2021 Maggie & I headed to PA

The past (almost 4) years have held so many ups and downs.

Professionally I have learned so many valuable lessons from the man who took a chance on me. I have grown from the depth of wisdom from co-workers who have become friends. I have been humbled with gratitude from the clients who shared their lives.

About a month ago God asked me to once again step out in faith. As a girl who HATES change, I told him no twice, but after the third ask, I knew I had to listen.

I have officially accepted a new job as a behavioral health advocate for those in recovery transitioning to the career force.

There have many many tears these past few weeks as “goodbyes” and “see you laters” were shared.

As I looked back on the office I called “home” for the past four years I thanked God for all He did in that little office. I entrust those days, those clients and the words that were shared, to Him.

Thank you to my co-workers for the goodbye luncheon today, for allowing me to put a period on the time that we shared.

I have learned that getting out of my comfort zone is harder than I can imagine. However, each and every time I have stepped out in faith, God has always done big things and I am expecting nothing less in this next step He is asking me to take.

Am I scared? 100%!

BUT. GOD.

Where He leads, He is there.

I covet your prayers as I begin the next chapter on March 3rd!

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What are you afraid of?

As a therapist I spend a lot of time talking to clients about their fears. We all have them. Usually one fear uncovers another fear which uncovers another fear which uncovers another fear. In fact, it usually takes approximately 5 times asking the question “and what is under that fear?” until we are able to get to the “root fear.”

Most of us are afraid of our fears and therefore neglect talking about it all together….which…is precisely what keeps us stuck.

A few years ago I read the book, “Do it scared” by Ruth Soukup. Here is the Amazon link if you want to check it out.

I’m guessing you don’t need me to explain the premise.

Do. It. Scared.

I continue to speak these words to myself.

I’m afraid to sign the loan for my house.

Do. It. Scared.

I’m afraid to leave my family.

Do. It. Scared.

I’m afraid to….

Almost anything I have accomplished in my life that has meaning and value, with the power of God, I have done…scared.

Why do we let fear stop us? I would argue, even paralyze us.

I have been reciting to myself a lot lately, “do it scared.”

My pastor used a phrase awhile ago, “on the other side of awkward is awesome.” ~Tim Walker

I would go one step further to say, “on the other side of scared is sanctification.” Which, I have found to be true for me. If you’re not on the sanctification road, perhaps you could say, “on the other side of scared is solace.” Overcoming our fears can often reduce our anxiety.

Today I chose to do it scared. I know and believe that doing what God has asked me to do scared will lead to my further sanctification.

What are you doing scared?

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Silence Interrupted

The snow crunches under my feet…the pines stand still with white dust covering their half there branches.

It’s quiet here in winter and perhaps that’s why winter might be my favorite. The stillness beckons me to rest.

Here at THE121, my bedroom is on the main floor (which by the way was a must for me with all those bathroom trips!) and resembles a cave tucked into the end of the tall ceilings under Maggie Marie’s room. I’ve been told by guests who have stayed in my absence that it’s the best sleep they have ever had.

And so, at night, I rest. I rest hard in the silence of the woods, in my cave bedroom, here in the winter.

Until the silence is interrupted.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

When the batteries that power THE121 run low, the inverter sends out loud beeps to notify me that my powers about to go out unless I do something about it.

Turn on the generator.

At 2am.

This is off grid living. Sometimes I have to give up things to get things.

We all do.

I give up convenience to save on money.

As the silence was interrupted at 2am, I had time to talk to the Lord. And what a picture He gave me.

Most of us live our lives doing our thing without much thought, until our lives are interrupted.

If you’ve been following you know that I’ve had several major surgeries that have quite literally interrupted my life. And yet…it has been in those interruptions that some of my deepest soul work has been done.

The Lord is doing a deep work in my heart and I am choosing today to be thankful for the interruptions which force me to the hard.

The sun sets on Teabbery Acres
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Truth over lies

As the rain hits the metal roof of THE121 this morning, the Christmas tree lights twinkle against the backdrop of the woods and my pine candle burns reminding me it’s Christmas time, I am tempted to despair. You may be reading this and thinking that sounds dreamy and you’d be right. There have been many a day I have dreamed for this. Maggie Marie cuddles up next to me, my crochet hook waiting to work, and yet…

I am tempted to despair. I am tempted to believe the lie. The deceiver would tell me you’re never going to get better. The deceiver would tell me God is never going to use you again. The deceiver lies.

I was so privileged (yes I intentionally used that word because so many aren’t) to attend church yesterday morning. Our pastors have been preaching on Spiritual Warfare because well…the battle is real.

This quote from John Mark Comer hit me:

So today I believe the truth. My story isn’t over. So if I continue to struggle physically and if I don’t return to work and if the pain never ceases, God IS still good. God IS who He says He is. God CAN and WILL use me for HIS glory and HIS story.

The deceiver won’t win. This side of heaven we all have our struggles and our thorns in our flesh. But oh what a glorious day that will be when we see our Savior face to face.

It’s also a glorious day when we chose to believe the truth over the lies. So today that’s my stance, fix my focus in the hard and chose to believe the truth, He is for me, This is for my good.

If you’d like to listen to the gathering you can find it Here.

If you’re wondering about this Jesus I talk about and how to know him, click Here

The flesh is weak. The battle is real. God is greater and He can be trusted.

Got questions? Reach out, I would to have a conversation.

I’ve got loads of time nowadays. Time to pray and time to listen. Maggie Marie and I are on the couch, choosing to believe the truth over the lies. Well I’m choosing, she’s waiting for her next treat time…

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With Gratitude

Why is Thanksgiving just so enjoyable?

If we take away the food, the family, football and my personal favorite, the dog show, I would argue if our hearts are full of gratitude the peace will still be there.

As a therapist I know that the antidote to anxiety is gratitude. I didn’t learn this lesson as a therapist, I practice this discipline myself and have long before I became a therapist.

I keep a gratitude journal on my headboard and each night I write down gratitudes.

As a therapist I have witnessed time after time mental shifts when people turn from worry and fear towards gratitude.

And so, while I LOVE Christmas, a part of me is a bit sad today. Why? Because I know Christmas brings a lot of stress and anxiety to people’s lives.

So what if…this Christmas season we keep with the practice of Gratitude?

It is with great Gratitude that I was able to have not one, but two Thanksgivings (and a 3rd tomorrow!). Spiritual family is the very best kind. My heart is full and I pray it will continue to be as I keep my heart and mind focused on The Father who gives good gifts even when life is hard and even when sometimes it may be hard to see.

He is always working, even in the hard.

So with Gratitude…

Fun fact, this was my first Thanksgiving meal in Lord knows how long, I ate and did not get sick! Thank you Lord!!!
At each house I asked for alll the desserts!!!

Thank you to the Werzinski’s and Elliot’s for your amazing hospitality!!!

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If I could…

If I could, I would. That’s what I found myself saying to a friend.

“If I could learn any other way…”

It has been in the moments of pain that God draws me closer to Himself. I truly believe this is the route He has for me because His purpose is my sanctification.

About 6 weeks ago while doing laundry, I had pain in my side that stopped me in my tracts. The surgeon said “give it time.”

Twice, she has said that.

And now it’s been six weeks.

So here we are.

So once again I drove to Danville today holding my side and asking God to help me make it safely. I met with my surgeons team who scheduled another CT scan.

What happened? Only God knows at this point.

Is it hard? 100%

Do I believe that I should be able to do anything and everything at this point? 100%

But if I could learn any other way but through pain than I believe I would.

As I drove home, I continued to listen to an audiobook title Not A Fan by Kyle Idleman. The premise? Am I fan of Jesus or a follower?

I knew God was prompting my heart to surrender. To follow, at all cost. Yes even in pain.

So here I lay, flat on my back (with some good pain meds on board), surrendered (and will probably need to surrender again because you know…that thing called will…).

I wait and I listen.

I lean in and I ask for Him to teach me in the pain.

I would also covet your prayers as I have a couple appointments this week to meet with my PCP and also back to Danville for a CT scan (to hopefully rule things out).

Thanks for journeying with me…

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The Power of Community

I spent time reflecting today on the power of community. It’s easy to think sometimes that we are alone on an island. For many of us, our days consist of going to work and coming home or taking care of kiddos, cooking dinner, helping with homework, ect. We can get so caught in the grind that life can feel isolating from time to time.

I have been looking at this time as a sabbatical of sorts. Getting up each morning and asking the Lord what He has for me that day. Today, was to spend time in gratitude for the amazing community I have been surrounded with.

In the past four weeks, I have never been without. Sooo many people have shown up. From groceries, to flowers, to meals, blankets, clothes and sooo much more… I can’t even begin to list all the blessings God’s people have bestowed upon me.

Recovery still continues to be slow and it will be several weeks yet until I can go back to THE121. I’ve come to accept and embrace the path God has me on, knowing it is for my good.

I am continuing to introduce new foods almost daily now and understanding some may have to be crossed back off for now.

God continues to help me to fix my focus and I am beyond grateful for the love of community.

I’m thankful for this time and all that God has planned.

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The Power of Pain

I don’t know why the picture of a roller coaster continues to come to my mind as I process my pain, but nonetheless here I am again with the illustration of a roller coaster.

I told someone today that healing is like a roller coaster. Some days are smoother than others.

So that brings me to the power of pain. Some days I still have a sufficient amount of pain. This pain compels me to remember the pain that has been even worse.

Like the night in the hospital when my abdomen starting swelling with air. Pain so intense I could only cry out “Dear God help me” as my friend sat helplessly in the hospital chair interceding on my behalf.

I have known pain.

Pain can either propel us or push us to or away from God.

I wish I could say it has always propelled me to God. However, that would not be an honest statement.

I have questioned, I have been angry, I have gone silent and I have lamented.

Lamenting, I have learned is the healthiest option because lamenting leads to trust.

Do I trust God’s best for me?

C.S. Lewis says it best

If I could learn another way, God would have done it. If He wanted something else, He would have allowed it.

So in my pain, I trust that God is drawing me into a deeper, more intimate relationship with Himself.

Is it hard? 100%

Am I doing it great? Not always

I must chose to allow my pain to propel me towards Him.

The choice is mine.

We all have a choice today. We can allow our pain to propel us from Him or push us towards Him.

The choice is yours.

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Riding the Ride…one day at a time.

In therapy sometimes, I remind clients that our mental health can sometimes feel like a roller coaster. Sometimes you feel like your gliding forward enjoying the ride and then suddenly you feel yourself dangling upside down looking at the sky and feeling a little dizzy. However, it’s those upside down loops that propel you forward on the ride!

And this, my friends, is how I am feeling! Some days have been ok and then there’s nights like this past Monday where I found myself back in the emergency room in extreme pain.

Self-talk is real and cognitive reframing works. Turns out I developed an ileus, whether from scar tissue or my digestive system still learning how to work, either way I’m so grateful for modern medicine! I’m also super grateful for my friend who sacrificed her entire nights sleep to sit with me so I wouldn’t be alone.

So while it can feel discouraging, I can also choose to be grateful for my amazing friends who show up over and over again (even when I’m not that kind), who offer grace and sacrifice so many hours to help me figure out how to navigate my new way of life.

We were never created to live alone. So while I may feel a little twisted and hanging upside down from time to time. I am confident that I am being propelled forward into a new, healthier version of myself.

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Clean Clothes, A Shower + A Puppy.

A shower + Clean Clothes + Maggie =‘s I’m out!

What an unexpected but delightful twist to this day! My treatment team made rounds this morning and asked me if I wanted to leave?

OF. Course!!!!

So I had a quick trial run this morning to see if I could tolerate breakfast and lunch, which I did and I’m now in clean clothes, showered and cuddled up With Maggie Marie.

Reminds me of the muck, dirt and grime we walk through everyday and yet somehow we are always striving for more.

This hospital stay was so different in so many ways and I believe it all has to do with giving everything over to Jesus. He came to wash us with His blood. Wash us clean from Our sin. The muck, the mire, the ugliness we roll around in. Jesus just asks us to come. He has done the work, so that if we accept Him, He will wash us clean.

While on this side of heaven we will have suffering, NG tubes, paralysis, cancer and whatever else may plague us, He. Is. Enough.

He’s asking you and me to come Him, snuggle up close and watch Him do a new thing.

Disclaimer: I’m not at my home but a gracious friends home who is helping me in this next phase.

Why not recover in a tiny home? That’s another blog post…

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