Category: Mental Health

Finding healing and help

Waiting rooms – a health update on the tiny house girl.

This picture has become a staple for me, or should I say those who journey with me. It’s the waiting room. The waiting room with a number that represents me. The number represents where I am at in the process for the one who is waiting.

I’ve been having some pretty intense abdominal pain that “comes and goes” these past several months post my colectomy with an IRA.

You may also know that I began a new job two months ago and have been without health insurance for two long months.

Many nights I have cried and prayed asking God to take away the pain.

He is gracious.

May 1st my health insurance went into affect!

May 2nd I had another endoscopy and sigmoidoscopy in attempts to “see” what might be causing the pain.

The scene is familiar to me.

“Lay on your left side, we will be putting you to sleep soon.”

I begin to pray.

I wake up and ask for apple juice.

Always.

Hospitals have THE BEST apple juice. I can’t explain it but it’s true.

The Dr. comes and explains to me that my stomach is full of bile which I’m not surprised by. The nausea is real.

She then goes on to explain that my IRA (the place where my small intestine is connected to my rectum) looks “very angry.”

She took biopsies. And we wait.

Wait.

Waiting has been the theme of life for the past fourteen years.

Fourteen years. The length of time I have battled my digestive tract malfunctioning.

Wait.

We wait now on the biopsy results and consults with the surgeon.

Waiting =‘s trusting.

Trusting in God’s plan and God’s timing.

Always easy? No.

It’s in the waiting though that I have learned to surrender my will to His.

After fourteen years I am learning that His Will is always better than mine.

I wait. I pray. I trust.

I also struggle.

And then I wait and pray and trust again.

Please join me in the praying for wisdom and discernment for my treatment team and how we move forward.

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Spring at Teaberry Acres

Some days are just sad. Sad is ok.

Have you ever had those days? Where the sad news just doesn’t end?

That’s how today felt for me.

As I drove up the gravel drive of Teaberry Acres my heart welled with both sadness and gratitude. Sadness and Gratitude can co-exist.

My eyes turned upwards as my tires rolled over the gravel and proceeded up the hill. My heart was reminded of the generous provisions the Lord has granted me.

With my sneakers still on, I woke Maggie Marie up from her slumber (yes my cockapoo sleeps alllll day) and we stood outside with the sun beckoning us through the trees to talk and walk.

It’s been a second since I’ve been on the back acres, but nonetheless I felt the trees calling and my Spirit needing some grounding.

I climbed over the first downed tree that had fallen years ago and began to walk. With each crunch of leaves fallen months ago my Spirit settled more and more.

As THE121 began to fade, I paused and recognized so many answered prayers exist at Teaberry Acres.

Remember.

Remembering helps me fix my focus. Remembering also beckons me to dream again. As I stood at the spot where two trees precariously leaned against two others that broke their fall, I imagined what this spot could be. What could it hold for future healing?

Does God always have to break us to heal us?

I don’t think the answer is always yes.

However I do know that brokenness does lead to healing if we allow Him to enter into those hard places.

Sadness and Gratefulness can coexist.

My Spirit is challenged to continue to dig in. To remember.

THE121 @teaberryacres is a place of many answered prayers, one of which includes healing.

And just for smiles…enjoy Maggie Marie’s smile on our hike tonight @teaberryacres.

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What was lost…has been found!!!

If you read my last post, you entered into my great dismay about the loss of half of my coffee maker.

It was maddening. Quite literally.

I spent hours which turned into days turning this Tiny House inside out. I began obsessing about where that one piece could have gone.

I’m quite certain that there wasn’t a corner of THE121 that wasn’t touched.

I was so obsessed, that I am also quite certain that if you had any face to face contact with me, you knew my quest for the missing piece.

My co-worker and I were chatting and she suggested the “usual”

RETRACE YOUR STEPS.

Yep. Done.

Or had I?

And so, I grudgingly trudged home, to once again “retrace my steps.”

I stood in the middle of all 250 square feet of THE121 and prayed. True statement.

And as if, there it was the entire time…lights from heaven came down, the angels started to sing and the Hallelujah chorus was in stereo!

That one piece?

WAS IN THE COFFEE MAKER!!!

Now before you start to judge (which, if I were you, I would be doing right now…) the one piece had somehow become conjoined to the other piece. I still have zero idea how the coffee maker worked with the two pieces joined together, but alas, that’s above my pay grade.

So many lessons learned in this short (but what felt like eternity) quest.

  • Breathe. I have a lot of cortisol.
  • Cortisol disrupts your nervous system (I’m a trauma therapist)
  • Ask a friend for help
  • Don’t quit
  • Sometimes you have to quit so you can start again
  • Things can indeed get lost in tiny houses
  • Jesus never quit looking for me

I love life.

Most days.

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I bet you never…and other tiny house myths.

I was at a workshop today, the kind where you go around the room and do “ice breaker” questions.

One of the many joys of tiny house living is that for a very long time yet to come, I won’t have to think of a “strange fact about myself.”

Turns out living in a tiny house is strange enough.

Out of the many things people say to me when they hear that I live in a tiny house is, “I bet you never lose anything!”

I wish this statement were true.

Oh. How. I wish.

As it turns out, you can still lose things in 250 square feet.

How is that possible?

I have no idea.

But.

It.

Is.

Currently I’m looking for half of my coffee maker.

Half.

I have one of those fancy coffee makers where you can switch out contraptions depending on the amount of coffee you wish to consume.

Thursday night I wished to consume a larger amount.

Friday the desire was less. Therefore, I took out the larger consumption contraption for the more desirable smaller contraption.

And that leads us to today. Where is the larger contraption?

Gone.

THE121 has swallowed it whole.

I have searched EVERYWHERE. All 250 square feet.

I even resorted to looking in the washing machine because I could figure out how to install a dishwasher this past week but turns out I couldn’t figure out that said dishwasher, in-fact , took dishwashing detergent and not soap. THE121 began filling with suds whilst I was on a zoom call (that’s probably another post)…

So maybe, I scooped the larger coffee contraption up in the towels I used to clean up the suds…

It was a hope, but nope. No coffee contraption in the washing machine.

Here I am, perplexed and dismayed at the loss of half of my coffee maker on the eve of the week where my days turn from 8 hour work days to 9 hour work days.

The myth?

Tiny Houses don’t swallow things whole.

The truth?

I’ve lost more than half of coffee makers. Turns out it’s not about the space, it’s about the mental bandwidth of the girl living in the house.

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Some things aren’t meant to last forever.

It was about this same time, on a blustery winter day in 2021 that I drove from Ohio to Pennsylvania to interview for a psychotherapist position. It was less than 24 hours after awaking from anesthesia and I have zero doubt that I bombed the interview.

BUT. GOD.

The man took a chance on this country girl from Ohio and hired her despite her inabilities.

A few months later, I packed my car, along with Maggie Marie and drove off into a very unknown adventure.

May 2021 Maggie & I headed to PA

The past (almost 4) years have held so many ups and downs.

Professionally I have learned so many valuable lessons from the man who took a chance on me. I have grown from the depth of wisdom from co-workers who have become friends. I have been humbled with gratitude from the clients who shared their lives.

About a month ago God asked me to once again step out in faith. As a girl who HATES change, I told him no twice, but after the third ask, I knew I had to listen.

I have officially accepted a new job as a behavioral health advocate for those in recovery transitioning to the career force.

There have many many tears these past few weeks as “goodbyes” and “see you laters” were shared.

As I looked back on the office I called “home” for the past four years I thanked God for all He did in that little office. I entrust those days, those clients and the words that were shared, to Him.

Thank you to my co-workers for the goodbye luncheon today, for allowing me to put a period on the time that we shared.

I have learned that getting out of my comfort zone is harder than I can imagine. However, each and every time I have stepped out in faith, God has always done big things and I am expecting nothing less in this next step He is asking me to take.

Am I scared? 100%!

BUT. GOD.

Where He leads, He is there.

I covet your prayers as I begin the next chapter on March 3rd!

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What are you afraid of?

As a therapist I spend a lot of time talking to clients about their fears. We all have them. Usually one fear uncovers another fear which uncovers another fear which uncovers another fear. In fact, it usually takes approximately 5 times asking the question “and what is under that fear?” until we are able to get to the “root fear.”

Most of us are afraid of our fears and therefore neglect talking about it all together….which…is precisely what keeps us stuck.

A few years ago I read the book, “Do it scared” by Ruth Soukup. Here is the Amazon link if you want to check it out.

I’m guessing you don’t need me to explain the premise.

Do. It. Scared.

I continue to speak these words to myself.

I’m afraid to sign the loan for my house.

Do. It. Scared.

I’m afraid to leave my family.

Do. It. Scared.

I’m afraid to….

Almost anything I have accomplished in my life that has meaning and value, with the power of God, I have done…scared.

Why do we let fear stop us? I would argue, even paralyze us.

I have been reciting to myself a lot lately, “do it scared.”

My pastor used a phrase awhile ago, “on the other side of awkward is awesome.” ~Tim Walker

I would go one step further to say, “on the other side of scared is sanctification.” Which, I have found to be true for me. If you’re not on the sanctification road, perhaps you could say, “on the other side of scared is solace.” Overcoming our fears can often reduce our anxiety.

Today I chose to do it scared. I know and believe that doing what God has asked me to do scared will lead to my further sanctification.

What are you doing scared?

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Silence Interrupted

The snow crunches under my feet…the pines stand still with white dust covering their half there branches.

It’s quiet here in winter and perhaps that’s why winter might be my favorite. The stillness beckons me to rest.

Here at THE121, my bedroom is on the main floor (which by the way was a must for me with all those bathroom trips!) and resembles a cave tucked into the end of the tall ceilings under Maggie Marie’s room. I’ve been told by guests who have stayed in my absence that it’s the best sleep they have ever had.

And so, at night, I rest. I rest hard in the silence of the woods, in my cave bedroom, here in the winter.

Until the silence is interrupted.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

When the batteries that power THE121 run low, the inverter sends out loud beeps to notify me that my powers about to go out unless I do something about it.

Turn on the generator.

At 2am.

This is off grid living. Sometimes I have to give up things to get things.

We all do.

I give up convenience to save on money.

As the silence was interrupted at 2am, I had time to talk to the Lord. And what a picture He gave me.

Most of us live our lives doing our thing without much thought, until our lives are interrupted.

If you’ve been following you know that I’ve had several major surgeries that have quite literally interrupted my life. And yet…it has been in those interruptions that some of my deepest soul work has been done.

The Lord is doing a deep work in my heart and I am choosing today to be thankful for the interruptions which force me to the hard.

The sun sets on Teabbery Acres
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Truth over lies

As the rain hits the metal roof of THE121 this morning, the Christmas tree lights twinkle against the backdrop of the woods and my pine candle burns reminding me it’s Christmas time, I am tempted to despair. You may be reading this and thinking that sounds dreamy and you’d be right. There have been many a day I have dreamed for this. Maggie Marie cuddles up next to me, my crochet hook waiting to work, and yet…

I am tempted to despair. I am tempted to believe the lie. The deceiver would tell me you’re never going to get better. The deceiver would tell me God is never going to use you again. The deceiver lies.

I was so privileged (yes I intentionally used that word because so many aren’t) to attend church yesterday morning. Our pastors have been preaching on Spiritual Warfare because well…the battle is real.

This quote from John Mark Comer hit me:

So today I believe the truth. My story isn’t over. So if I continue to struggle physically and if I don’t return to work and if the pain never ceases, God IS still good. God IS who He says He is. God CAN and WILL use me for HIS glory and HIS story.

The deceiver won’t win. This side of heaven we all have our struggles and our thorns in our flesh. But oh what a glorious day that will be when we see our Savior face to face.

It’s also a glorious day when we chose to believe the truth over the lies. So today that’s my stance, fix my focus in the hard and chose to believe the truth, He is for me, This is for my good.

If you’d like to listen to the gathering you can find it Here.

If you’re wondering about this Jesus I talk about and how to know him, click Here

The flesh is weak. The battle is real. God is greater and He can be trusted.

Got questions? Reach out, I would to have a conversation.

I’ve got loads of time nowadays. Time to pray and time to listen. Maggie Marie and I are on the couch, choosing to believe the truth over the lies. Well I’m choosing, she’s waiting for her next treat time…

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With Gratitude

Why is Thanksgiving just so enjoyable?

If we take away the food, the family, football and my personal favorite, the dog show, I would argue if our hearts are full of gratitude the peace will still be there.

As a therapist I know that the antidote to anxiety is gratitude. I didn’t learn this lesson as a therapist, I practice this discipline myself and have long before I became a therapist.

I keep a gratitude journal on my headboard and each night I write down gratitudes.

As a therapist I have witnessed time after time mental shifts when people turn from worry and fear towards gratitude.

And so, while I LOVE Christmas, a part of me is a bit sad today. Why? Because I know Christmas brings a lot of stress and anxiety to people’s lives.

So what if…this Christmas season we keep with the practice of Gratitude?

It is with great Gratitude that I was able to have not one, but two Thanksgivings (and a 3rd tomorrow!). Spiritual family is the very best kind. My heart is full and I pray it will continue to be as I keep my heart and mind focused on The Father who gives good gifts even when life is hard and even when sometimes it may be hard to see.

He is always working, even in the hard.

So with Gratitude…

Fun fact, this was my first Thanksgiving meal in Lord knows how long, I ate and did not get sick! Thank you Lord!!!
At each house I asked for alll the desserts!!!

Thank you to the Werzinski’s and Elliot’s for your amazing hospitality!!!

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If I could…

If I could, I would. That’s what I found myself saying to a friend.

“If I could learn any other way…”

It has been in the moments of pain that God draws me closer to Himself. I truly believe this is the route He has for me because His purpose is my sanctification.

About 6 weeks ago while doing laundry, I had pain in my side that stopped me in my tracts. The surgeon said “give it time.”

Twice, she has said that.

And now it’s been six weeks.

So here we are.

So once again I drove to Danville today holding my side and asking God to help me make it safely. I met with my surgeons team who scheduled another CT scan.

What happened? Only God knows at this point.

Is it hard? 100%

Do I believe that I should be able to do anything and everything at this point? 100%

But if I could learn any other way but through pain than I believe I would.

As I drove home, I continued to listen to an audiobook title Not A Fan by Kyle Idleman. The premise? Am I fan of Jesus or a follower?

I knew God was prompting my heart to surrender. To follow, at all cost. Yes even in pain.

So here I lay, flat on my back (with some good pain meds on board), surrendered (and will probably need to surrender again because you know…that thing called will…).

I wait and I listen.

I lean in and I ask for Him to teach me in the pain.

I would also covet your prayers as I have a couple appointments this week to meet with my PCP and also back to Danville for a CT scan (to hopefully rule things out).

Thanks for journeying with me…

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