Category: Mental Health

Finding healing and help

The Power of Community

I spent time reflecting today on the power of community. It’s easy to think sometimes that we are alone on an island. For many of us, our days consist of going to work and coming home or taking care of kiddos, cooking dinner, helping with homework, ect. We can get so caught in the grind that life can feel isolating from time to time.

I have been looking at this time as a sabbatical of sorts. Getting up each morning and asking the Lord what He has for me that day. Today, was to spend time in gratitude for the amazing community I have been surrounded with.

In the past four weeks, I have never been without. Sooo many people have shown up. From groceries, to flowers, to meals, blankets, clothes and sooo much more… I can’t even begin to list all the blessings God’s people have bestowed upon me.

Recovery still continues to be slow and it will be several weeks yet until I can go back to THE121. I’ve come to accept and embrace the path God has me on, knowing it is for my good.

I am continuing to introduce new foods almost daily now and understanding some may have to be crossed back off for now.

God continues to help me to fix my focus and I am beyond grateful for the love of community.

I’m thankful for this time and all that God has planned.

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The Power of Pain

I don’t know why the picture of a roller coaster continues to come to my mind as I process my pain, but nonetheless here I am again with the illustration of a roller coaster.

I told someone today that healing is like a roller coaster. Some days are smoother than others.

So that brings me to the power of pain. Some days I still have a sufficient amount of pain. This pain compels me to remember the pain that has been even worse.

Like the night in the hospital when my abdomen starting swelling with air. Pain so intense I could only cry out “Dear God help me” as my friend sat helplessly in the hospital chair interceding on my behalf.

I have known pain.

Pain can either propel us or push us to or away from God.

I wish I could say it has always propelled me to God. However, that would not be an honest statement.

I have questioned, I have been angry, I have gone silent and I have lamented.

Lamenting, I have learned is the healthiest option because lamenting leads to trust.

Do I trust God’s best for me?

C.S. Lewis says it best

If I could learn another way, God would have done it. If He wanted something else, He would have allowed it.

So in my pain, I trust that God is drawing me into a deeper, more intimate relationship with Himself.

Is it hard? 100%

Am I doing it great? Not always

I must chose to allow my pain to propel me towards Him.

The choice is mine.

We all have a choice today. We can allow our pain to propel us from Him or push us towards Him.

The choice is yours.

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Riding the Ride…one day at a time.

In therapy sometimes, I remind clients that our mental health can sometimes feel like a roller coaster. Sometimes you feel like your gliding forward enjoying the ride and then suddenly you feel yourself dangling upside down looking at the sky and feeling a little dizzy. However, it’s those upside down loops that propel you forward on the ride!

And this, my friends, is how I am feeling! Some days have been ok and then there’s nights like this past Monday where I found myself back in the emergency room in extreme pain.

Self-talk is real and cognitive reframing works. Turns out I developed an ileus, whether from scar tissue or my digestive system still learning how to work, either way I’m so grateful for modern medicine! I’m also super grateful for my friend who sacrificed her entire nights sleep to sit with me so I wouldn’t be alone.

So while it can feel discouraging, I can also choose to be grateful for my amazing friends who show up over and over again (even when I’m not that kind), who offer grace and sacrifice so many hours to help me figure out how to navigate my new way of life.

We were never created to live alone. So while I may feel a little twisted and hanging upside down from time to time. I am confident that I am being propelled forward into a new, healthier version of myself.

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Clean Clothes, A Shower + A Puppy.

A shower + Clean Clothes + Maggie =‘s I’m out!

What an unexpected but delightful twist to this day! My treatment team made rounds this morning and asked me if I wanted to leave?

OF. Course!!!!

So I had a quick trial run this morning to see if I could tolerate breakfast and lunch, which I did and I’m now in clean clothes, showered and cuddled up With Maggie Marie.

Reminds me of the muck, dirt and grime we walk through everyday and yet somehow we are always striving for more.

This hospital stay was so different in so many ways and I believe it all has to do with giving everything over to Jesus. He came to wash us with His blood. Wash us clean from Our sin. The muck, the mire, the ugliness we roll around in. Jesus just asks us to come. He has done the work, so that if we accept Him, He will wash us clean.

While on this side of heaven we will have suffering, NG tubes, paralysis, cancer and whatever else may plague us, He. Is. Enough.

He’s asking you and me to come Him, snuggle up close and watch Him do a new thing.

Disclaimer: I’m not at my home but a gracious friends home who is helping me in this next phase.

Why not recover in a tiny home? That’s another blog post…

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Coffee with a side of humility

As I sit sipping my morning coffee with Maggie Marie sitting on my lap, I hear the laughter of grown men coming amongst the smell of a fire wafting from the fire pit at Teaberry Acres. It’s barely 10am on Saturday morning and the trees are falling.

The only word that is coming to my mind at this moment is humility.

In many Christian cultures we are taught that to accept help is a sign of weakness. We should be able to help ourselves, don’t ya know? God gave us arms and legs to work.

So I sit and battle the old woman. The old woman who would never ask for help. The old woman who would push herself, condemn herself, berate herself and fight till the death. The old woman who wants to pull on her muck boots, grab her work gloves and join the men dawning their chain saws.

And yet.

Here I sit with Maggie Marie on my lap and my morning coffee turning cold.

If God created the body (and He did), than who am I to tell the feet to stay still or the hands to stay in the pockets or the mouth to remain silent?

Each part of the body serves a function. If the leg is broken, the hips adjust, the hands grip the crutch, the eyes open a little wider…

So today, as my body reminds me that I am broken, my mental shift turns to gratitude that the body of Christ has shown up to clean up the wreckage of winds storms gone by at Teaberry Acres.

Humbling? 100%

Grateful? 100%

God is doing a new thing in my mind, body & soul.

I am here for it.

To the men and woman who showed up today. You are the body of Christ. Thank you for teaching me.

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Anxiety & The Setting Sun

As I sit by my bay window and watch the sun set on another day at Teaberry Acres my heart knows a peace it hasn’t felt in days.

I’ve noticed a restlessness that is ever so familiar leading up to the days of Drs appointments and surgery.

I’ve been taking more milligrams of melatonin and accomplishing many tasks around teaberry acres. You may be wondering to yourself, what’s the big deal with that?

One word.

Anxiety.

I believe beyond knowing Jesus, one of the best gifts we can give ourselves is to be a student of ourselves.

For me, I know that my inability to sit still or to sleep at night is a flag and the flag’s name is anxiety.

So rather than come home and spread the ton of gravel my awesome neighbor dropped off for me (because yes, I thought that would be a great idea the week before surgery…), I sat still.

I asked the Lord what my soul was anxious about. It really came down to one word.

Control.

Control can be an idol in my life. I love routine, I love stability, I love predictability…all of which encompass control.

My life is going to look VERY different these next three months. Very unpredictable, unstable and maybe not so routine for the first month or more.

So the Lord gave me the picture of the classic trust fall. If you’ve ever been to camp or done team building exercises you know what I am talking about. Where you stand on a table, put your arms across your chest and then fall backwards expecting others to catch you.

He has planned this all out for me. He is asking me to trust Him.

A friend gave me this book for my post surgery read

But I felt called to open a chapter tonight. The soul question was:

“What do I most deeply cherish?”

The answer will often reveal what causes our anxiety and for me, it’s the idol of control.

So I sit in peace, in the stillness of the setting sun as the crickets begin their night song tonight, knowing that with surrender comes trust.

Will you pray with me that I can keep my heart in the place of surrender and trust?

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Why I…

I saw a great question today on social media that asked, “Why do you go to church.”

This question struck me today as, for the first time in a month, I was able to be in person at church in person. There’s something completely different about being in person than going online…

Although side note: I am SUPER grateful my church livestreams!

Taken last week as a reminder!

My weekends, when I’m eating solid foods, are spent…well…emptying.

So as I chose to do liquids this week, God gave me the opportunity to attend in person!

So why do I go to church?

  • Community – sure community can be sticky and tricky and messy. It can also be strong and building and encouraging. I know I’m not meant to live on a deserted island (although some days it’s tempting!) and so the best community I have ever had, has always been found at church.
  • Change – can I change without going to church? Sure. But for me, growth and change happens as I am challenged from the pulpit WEEKLY as well as from my community group WEEKLY. I 100% love that I am challenged to grow as a result of strong Biblical preaching that is relevant, relatable and 100% Biblically. One of my constant prayers is that I will continue to be sanctified and Church is one tool God uses in multiple ways.
  • Christ – this one should really be first! Christ died for me. He died for you. We are broken people. We need Christ. The church (broken and all) is His. It’s another place that I can gather with His people, worship Him, draw near to Him and allow Him to speak into me.

As a survivor of Spiritual Abuse, I can 100% understand so many hesitations to enter into a place where harm has happened, and if that’s you…I am truly sorry.

I can speak for myself that I am so grateful I haven’t given up on the church (although I have been tempted many times).

I would love to dialogue more if you have any questions and oh, if you’re looking for a great church, I think mine is pretty great! You can check it out Here.

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24 Days…

I sat at my desk today scheduling clients as usual and it really started to hit me…24 days… while it may seem so far away for some, to me, it appears like a blip on the radar.

I’ve lost count by this time of what # surgery this is, in the grand scheme, it doesn’t really matter.

What does matter? That I seek the face of my Father, that I shelter under his wing (Ps. 91:4). He and He alone is my safe place. To refuge in anyone else or anything else would (and has) led to disappointment.

So I’m trying to do things different this time around.

First and foremost, I’m trying to rest BEFORE surgery. I’m not completing the 1 million projects I need want to do. I’m trying to be kind to my body even though my brain screams…

DO ALL THE THINGS!!!

I’m taking more deep breaths and savoring more moments.

Secondly, I’m asking for help. (Shocking, I know!)

This is where you come in…

Here are several ways you can help

  • Pray (seriously this is number 1!). I’ll post more specifically as things progress but for now will you pray that I will continue to surrender my will at His feet?
  • As of now I could be in the hospital up to a week. I hate hospitals and can spiral quickly while I’m there! So I’m asking if you can to record a short video of your favorite encouraging verse that I can watch when I’m there (shoot me a message for my email or phone #), I’m going to make a compilation video!
  • I’ve created an Amazon wish list. These are NOT things I need but (as I have learned) can help make recovery a little bit more comfortable. So if you’re compelled, I’ve attached my Amazon wish list Here.

Thank you for joining me on the journey!

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Weak

When preparing for a job interviewing, a common question asked is “what is your biggest weakness? I’ve heard so many times “my biggest weakness is also my biggest strength.”

We try to spin weakness.

Why?

We hate it.

Most of us have grown up in worlds where weakness was wrong.

America. Land of the Great. The Brave. The Free.

Land of the weak?

No.

If you’ve known me for anytime within the past 12 years you know that I’ve lived with an invisible disability. My digestive system has been slowing dying over the past few years and progressively has gotten worse.

It’s left me weak.

Weak physically and mentally.

I’ve been fighting against my body. I’ve been fighting against my own weakness.

I’m not suppose to be weak.

But the reality is, I am.

What’s one suppose to do with that?

As a therapist, I can thought stop, I can reframe, I can meditate and visualize and I do all those things.

But the one thing?

The one thing is the main thing.

Fix my Focus.

In my weakness He has shown me

  • His steadfast love
  • The love of community
  • The power of vulnerability
  • His abundant faithfulness
  • HIS STRENGTH

Have there been lots of tears? Yes.

Have I fought with Him? Yes.

Am I learning to trust Him? Yes.

He has had to strip me of my strength for me to learn that His strength and His power is enough.

And for that, for Him, I am beyond grateful.

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A sit in the silence

I have some big things coming up. One of them has the possibility to be very unknown, so I’ve been asking some questions that come with those big unknowns.

A friend asked me a question…

“Why are you afraid to sit still?”

And so… I sat still.

Kind of.

First I had to get my space ready….so I was…you know…comfortable.

Because honestly who enjoys sitting in discomfort?

One of my favorite places at teaberry acres is in my hammock chair around the fire pit.

So I built the fire and I sat.

There’s only one being that I know who has all the answers and so I sat and I asked…

“God, why do I have a hard time sitting still?”

And I waited…

He led me to

Luke 9:35

He told me, I’m just like Peter.

Jesus had chosen Peter to be in his inner circle that day… Peter was invited to come. To come to a moment no one else except he, James and John would witness.

Peter went, but the dude fell asleep (Lord knows there no judgement because this girl loves her sleep too!).

And then…they startle awake to see two dudes who have long since died.

Peters reaction?

“Let’s get to work!”

Why he felt it necessary to build shelters? I have no idea. But in that moment he had a choice. He could busy himself or BE with the ONE and be in THE MOMENT that never would be again…he wanted to work.

And then God intervenes…

LISTEN to my son. HE is THE one.

And so my answer to the question?

I’ve listened to far too many other voices my entire life.

Voices that say “do and you will be…”

I have valued other voices above THE ONE voice.

I have learned that DOING =‘s value (that’s another blog post) and so God is in his gracious loving care for me, to prepare me for what’s next…is teaching me now…to sit in the silence…and listen.

There is great value in being.

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