Category: The Girl

Good gifts from Ohio

As a friend dropped off a bag of snacks, and another a beautiful thoughtful gift for recovery, one of the best gifts arrived from Ohio the night before surgery.

My sister has graciously made the trek from Ohio to be there with me tomorrow. There are few gifts like a sister. We have traversed many roads together and sometimes those roads have crossed and others have led us to be states away. As we have grown and matured we have grown in our friendship.

So it’s super comforting that she gets to be here for another road the Lord has asked me to walk and I’m grateful this road is crossing our paths.

If you know me, you know I have a love for pickles! She crocheted this super cute pickle for me! I’m going to keep him close!

My nephew also sent me a monster truck drawing to help aid in recovery ❤️!

Between all the prayers, gifts, texts and words of encouragement, I am beyond humbled.

Surgery is set for noon tomorrow and expected to take about 4 hours. Here are some ways you can pray:

  • Pray for my surgeon. Her name is Dr. Hoffman. Pray that the Lord will give her wisdom and discernment, a steady hand and eyes to see what she needs to see.
  • Pray that I will have opportunity to share His good name.
  • Pray for good pain management
  • Pray for the nurses and staff who will be on my care team that they will be encouraged and supported
  • Prayers that my system would restart (I can’t leave the hospital until it does).

Thank you for journeying with me! God gives good gifts!

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Out of Office…

The emotions hit me in waves today as I transferred my last client over to our outpatient team.

As I said “see you later to so many awesome co-workers” and changed my voicemail to say “don’t leave a message, I won’t be back until 2025.”

I tidied up my office and flipped my door indicator to “out of office.”

While I don’t know what the future holds, I know the one who holds the future and I don’t say that lightly or contritely.

As one who has endured quite a bit of medical trauma, I can be tempted to fear (and I have). In fact, I sat before the Lord Tuesday night and listed them out, one by one. As I listed them out, I asked Him to speak His truth over them. Thinking He would give me a verse for each one, instead He gave me one verse that covers them all:

He reminded me, He will supply all of my needs. If I need it, He will supply it. End of story.

And just because of His great love, He’s even supplied some of my wants! I’m incredibly humbled by the outpouring of gifts to help make recovery just a little bit more comfortable. So thank you. Thank you for journeying with me.

When the Lord grants me breaks from the bathroom this weekend, I’ll post how you can pray.

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Coffee with a side of humility

As I sit sipping my morning coffee with Maggie Marie sitting on my lap, I hear the laughter of grown men coming amongst the smell of a fire wafting from the fire pit at Teaberry Acres. It’s barely 10am on Saturday morning and the trees are falling.

The only word that is coming to my mind at this moment is humility.

In many Christian cultures we are taught that to accept help is a sign of weakness. We should be able to help ourselves, don’t ya know? God gave us arms and legs to work.

So I sit and battle the old woman. The old woman who would never ask for help. The old woman who would push herself, condemn herself, berate herself and fight till the death. The old woman who wants to pull on her muck boots, grab her work gloves and join the men dawning their chain saws.

And yet.

Here I sit with Maggie Marie on my lap and my morning coffee turning cold.

If God created the body (and He did), than who am I to tell the feet to stay still or the hands to stay in the pockets or the mouth to remain silent?

Each part of the body serves a function. If the leg is broken, the hips adjust, the hands grip the crutch, the eyes open a little wider…

So today, as my body reminds me that I am broken, my mental shift turns to gratitude that the body of Christ has shown up to clean up the wreckage of winds storms gone by at Teaberry Acres.

Humbling? 100%

Grateful? 100%

God is doing a new thing in my mind, body & soul.

I am here for it.

To the men and woman who showed up today. You are the body of Christ. Thank you for teaching me.

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Anxiety & The Setting Sun

As I sit by my bay window and watch the sun set on another day at Teaberry Acres my heart knows a peace it hasn’t felt in days.

I’ve noticed a restlessness that is ever so familiar leading up to the days of Drs appointments and surgery.

I’ve been taking more milligrams of melatonin and accomplishing many tasks around teaberry acres. You may be wondering to yourself, what’s the big deal with that?

One word.

Anxiety.

I believe beyond knowing Jesus, one of the best gifts we can give ourselves is to be a student of ourselves.

For me, I know that my inability to sit still or to sleep at night is a flag and the flag’s name is anxiety.

So rather than come home and spread the ton of gravel my awesome neighbor dropped off for me (because yes, I thought that would be a great idea the week before surgery…), I sat still.

I asked the Lord what my soul was anxious about. It really came down to one word.

Control.

Control can be an idol in my life. I love routine, I love stability, I love predictability…all of which encompass control.

My life is going to look VERY different these next three months. Very unpredictable, unstable and maybe not so routine for the first month or more.

So the Lord gave me the picture of the classic trust fall. If you’ve ever been to camp or done team building exercises you know what I am talking about. Where you stand on a table, put your arms across your chest and then fall backwards expecting others to catch you.

He has planned this all out for me. He is asking me to trust Him.

A friend gave me this book for my post surgery read

But I felt called to open a chapter tonight. The soul question was:

“What do I most deeply cherish?”

The answer will often reveal what causes our anxiety and for me, it’s the idol of control.

So I sit in peace, in the stillness of the setting sun as the crickets begin their night song tonight, knowing that with surrender comes trust.

Will you pray with me that I can keep my heart in the place of surrender and trust?

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Why I…

I saw a great question today on social media that asked, “Why do you go to church.”

This question struck me today as, for the first time in a month, I was able to be in person at church in person. There’s something completely different about being in person than going online…

Although side note: I am SUPER grateful my church livestreams!

Taken last week as a reminder!

My weekends, when I’m eating solid foods, are spent…well…emptying.

So as I chose to do liquids this week, God gave me the opportunity to attend in person!

So why do I go to church?

  • Community – sure community can be sticky and tricky and messy. It can also be strong and building and encouraging. I know I’m not meant to live on a deserted island (although some days it’s tempting!) and so the best community I have ever had, has always been found at church.
  • Change – can I change without going to church? Sure. But for me, growth and change happens as I am challenged from the pulpit WEEKLY as well as from my community group WEEKLY. I 100% love that I am challenged to grow as a result of strong Biblical preaching that is relevant, relatable and 100% Biblically. One of my constant prayers is that I will continue to be sanctified and Church is one tool God uses in multiple ways.
  • Christ – this one should really be first! Christ died for me. He died for you. We are broken people. We need Christ. The church (broken and all) is His. It’s another place that I can gather with His people, worship Him, draw near to Him and allow Him to speak into me.

As a survivor of Spiritual Abuse, I can 100% understand so many hesitations to enter into a place where harm has happened, and if that’s you…I am truly sorry.

I can speak for myself that I am so grateful I haven’t given up on the church (although I have been tempted many times).

I would love to dialogue more if you have any questions and oh, if you’re looking for a great church, I think mine is pretty great! You can check it out Here.

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24 Days…

I sat at my desk today scheduling clients as usual and it really started to hit me…24 days… while it may seem so far away for some, to me, it appears like a blip on the radar.

I’ve lost count by this time of what # surgery this is, in the grand scheme, it doesn’t really matter.

What does matter? That I seek the face of my Father, that I shelter under his wing (Ps. 91:4). He and He alone is my safe place. To refuge in anyone else or anything else would (and has) led to disappointment.

So I’m trying to do things different this time around.

First and foremost, I’m trying to rest BEFORE surgery. I’m not completing the 1 million projects I need want to do. I’m trying to be kind to my body even though my brain screams…

DO ALL THE THINGS!!!

I’m taking more deep breaths and savoring more moments.

Secondly, I’m asking for help. (Shocking, I know!)

This is where you come in…

Here are several ways you can help

  • Pray (seriously this is number 1!). I’ll post more specifically as things progress but for now will you pray that I will continue to surrender my will at His feet?
  • As of now I could be in the hospital up to a week. I hate hospitals and can spiral quickly while I’m there! So I’m asking if you can to record a short video of your favorite encouraging verse that I can watch when I’m there (shoot me a message for my email or phone #), I’m going to make a compilation video!
  • I’ve created an Amazon wish list. These are NOT things I need but (as I have learned) can help make recovery a little bit more comfortable. So if you’re compelled, I’ve attached my Amazon wish list Here.

Thank you for joining me on the journey!

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Test Run…

I think one of the biggest question we ask is “why do things happen the way they do?”

I’ve asked it, and my guess is, so have you.

I found myself in a great deal of pain again last night. I wrestled with God over what my next steps should be and I knew it was to go to the ER.

With my medical trauma, the ER isn’t my favorite place. Being re-traumatized…also… isn’t on my top list of fun things to do.

But ultimately my job is to listen and obey.

I just happened to be at Bible Study with some amazing women when the tears came and God asked me to go.

Nearly all of them volunteered to take me and I accepted. Which for me…shows growth and healing. My stubbornness often gets the best of me. But a stone of remembrance this was.

My friend who took me is also a masseuse and reflexologist. I can say with 100% certainty that I’ve never had someone utilize reflexology on my feet while I’ve been in the hospital and OH. MY. WORD. WHAT a difference!!!

From pain management to the Holy Spirit sitting with me around the clock, for the first time, I sat in a hospital room with complete peace.

So why was I there?

I don’t know. That’s my honest answer.

Pain management? Yes.

To remember? Yes.

For God to show me and remind me that He is with me. That He cares. That He sees. That He knows.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I believe He allowed this as a trial run of sorts. To use as a stone of remembrance for the day, one month from now when, Lord willing, my colon gets removed.

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What’s next???

Many of you know that I live with an invisible disability. If you hang around me long enough you can start to notice that the invisible becomes visible, but to the average eye…it’s just invisible.

As of late it has greatly impacted my quality of life. I’ll spare you the details but suffice it to say, my weekends are generally spent emptying my GI tract.

I’ve sought many “professional” advice, but mostly I’ve cried out to God asking Him to lead and direct.

One day on my drive home as I was lamenting, I felt the Lord asking me to pull over and call Danville.

Danville?

No thank you Lord.

Don’t you remember Lord! That’s where this all began!

Yes.

Danville.

So out of obedience, I pulled over and called.

I obtained a very quick appointment with a gastrointestinal surgeon.

Fast Forward a month to May.

I met with the surgeon who confirmed what another Dr. had recommended and that was all the confirmation I needed.

With one test and 6 weeks of prayer, I knew the next step was to have my colon removed.

So when I met with the surgeon for my follow up, my heart was at peace with the recommendation.

On Sept. 23rd, Lord willing, I’m scheduled to have my colon removed in Danville.

My hope isn’t in the surgeon or the surgery being successful. My hope is in God and God alone.

While I am hopeful this surgery will enhance my quality of life my hope doesn’t lie in this. Even if God chooses not to heal me, He is still good.

There’s a possibility I could go sooner if a cancellation happens. In the meantime I covet your prayers. I’ll be posting more in upcoming days but for now you can pray that I will continue to find my hope in Him and Him alone.

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Happy Year #2!!!!

It seems a little surreal to write that title! Two years ago on this day at 7:45 in the morning a few of us gathered at Teaberry Acres to welcome THE121 on her maiden voyage home!

I can honestly say that morning, those 120 minutes were the most nerve wracking minutes of my entire life. Thanks to a few skilled ex-Amish men and my amazing excavator, after two hours (from the road to the pad) from start to finish, THE121 landed with only a few scrapes and bruises.

Enjoy the video below that highlights the past 2 years of THE121 @ Teaberry Acres.

In some ways life looks a lot different and in other ways I’m still the simple girl living her simple life off grid somewhere in the woods of Pennsylvania.

The journey would not be possible without my God who has guided me each and every moment. He laughs with me. He cries with me. He talks with me. He has made the journey worth it.

So Happy 2nd Birthday house. I’ll enjoy you as long as the Lord allows.

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Weak

When preparing for a job interviewing, a common question asked is “what is your biggest weakness? I’ve heard so many times “my biggest weakness is also my biggest strength.”

We try to spin weakness.

Why?

We hate it.

Most of us have grown up in worlds where weakness was wrong.

America. Land of the Great. The Brave. The Free.

Land of the weak?

No.

If you’ve known me for anytime within the past 12 years you know that I’ve lived with an invisible disability. My digestive system has been slowing dying over the past few years and progressively has gotten worse.

It’s left me weak.

Weak physically and mentally.

I’ve been fighting against my body. I’ve been fighting against my own weakness.

I’m not suppose to be weak.

But the reality is, I am.

What’s one suppose to do with that?

As a therapist, I can thought stop, I can reframe, I can meditate and visualize and I do all those things.

But the one thing?

The one thing is the main thing.

Fix my Focus.

In my weakness He has shown me

  • His steadfast love
  • The love of community
  • The power of vulnerability
  • His abundant faithfulness
  • HIS STRENGTH

Have there been lots of tears? Yes.

Have I fought with Him? Yes.

Am I learning to trust Him? Yes.

He has had to strip me of my strength for me to learn that His strength and His power is enough.

And for that, for Him, I am beyond grateful.

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