Category: The Girl

Anxiety & The Setting Sun

As I sit by my bay window and watch the sun set on another day at Teaberry Acres my heart knows a peace it hasn’t felt in days.

I’ve noticed a restlessness that is ever so familiar leading up to the days of Drs appointments and surgery.

I’ve been taking more milligrams of melatonin and accomplishing many tasks around teaberry acres. You may be wondering to yourself, what’s the big deal with that?

One word.

Anxiety.

I believe beyond knowing Jesus, one of the best gifts we can give ourselves is to be a student of ourselves.

For me, I know that my inability to sit still or to sleep at night is a flag and the flag’s name is anxiety.

So rather than come home and spread the ton of gravel my awesome neighbor dropped off for me (because yes, I thought that would be a great idea the week before surgery…), I sat still.

I asked the Lord what my soul was anxious about. It really came down to one word.

Control.

Control can be an idol in my life. I love routine, I love stability, I love predictability…all of which encompass control.

My life is going to look VERY different these next three months. Very unpredictable, unstable and maybe not so routine for the first month or more.

So the Lord gave me the picture of the classic trust fall. If you’ve ever been to camp or done team building exercises you know what I am talking about. Where you stand on a table, put your arms across your chest and then fall backwards expecting others to catch you.

He has planned this all out for me. He is asking me to trust Him.

A friend gave me this book for my post surgery read

But I felt called to open a chapter tonight. The soul question was:

“What do I most deeply cherish?”

The answer will often reveal what causes our anxiety and for me, it’s the idol of control.

So I sit in peace, in the stillness of the setting sun as the crickets begin their night song tonight, knowing that with surrender comes trust.

Will you pray with me that I can keep my heart in the place of surrender and trust?

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Why I…

I saw a great question today on social media that asked, “Why do you go to church.”

This question struck me today as, for the first time in a month, I was able to be in person at church in person. There’s something completely different about being in person than going online…

Although side note: I am SUPER grateful my church livestreams!

Taken last week as a reminder!

My weekends, when I’m eating solid foods, are spent…well…emptying.

So as I chose to do liquids this week, God gave me the opportunity to attend in person!

So why do I go to church?

  • Community – sure community can be sticky and tricky and messy. It can also be strong and building and encouraging. I know I’m not meant to live on a deserted island (although some days it’s tempting!) and so the best community I have ever had, has always been found at church.
  • Change – can I change without going to church? Sure. But for me, growth and change happens as I am challenged from the pulpit WEEKLY as well as from my community group WEEKLY. I 100% love that I am challenged to grow as a result of strong Biblical preaching that is relevant, relatable and 100% Biblically. One of my constant prayers is that I will continue to be sanctified and Church is one tool God uses in multiple ways.
  • Christ – this one should really be first! Christ died for me. He died for you. We are broken people. We need Christ. The church (broken and all) is His. It’s another place that I can gather with His people, worship Him, draw near to Him and allow Him to speak into me.

As a survivor of Spiritual Abuse, I can 100% understand so many hesitations to enter into a place where harm has happened, and if that’s you…I am truly sorry.

I can speak for myself that I am so grateful I haven’t given up on the church (although I have been tempted many times).

I would love to dialogue more if you have any questions and oh, if you’re looking for a great church, I think mine is pretty great! You can check it out Here.

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24 Days…

I sat at my desk today scheduling clients as usual and it really started to hit me…24 days… while it may seem so far away for some, to me, it appears like a blip on the radar.

I’ve lost count by this time of what # surgery this is, in the grand scheme, it doesn’t really matter.

What does matter? That I seek the face of my Father, that I shelter under his wing (Ps. 91:4). He and He alone is my safe place. To refuge in anyone else or anything else would (and has) led to disappointment.

So I’m trying to do things different this time around.

First and foremost, I’m trying to rest BEFORE surgery. I’m not completing the 1 million projects I need want to do. I’m trying to be kind to my body even though my brain screams…

DO ALL THE THINGS!!!

I’m taking more deep breaths and savoring more moments.

Secondly, I’m asking for help. (Shocking, I know!)

This is where you come in…

Here are several ways you can help

  • Pray (seriously this is number 1!). I’ll post more specifically as things progress but for now will you pray that I will continue to surrender my will at His feet?
  • As of now I could be in the hospital up to a week. I hate hospitals and can spiral quickly while I’m there! So I’m asking if you can to record a short video of your favorite encouraging verse that I can watch when I’m there (shoot me a message for my email or phone #), I’m going to make a compilation video!
  • I’ve created an Amazon wish list. These are NOT things I need but (as I have learned) can help make recovery a little bit more comfortable. So if you’re compelled, I’ve attached my Amazon wish list Here.

Thank you for joining me on the journey!

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Test Run…

I think one of the biggest question we ask is “why do things happen the way they do?”

I’ve asked it, and my guess is, so have you.

I found myself in a great deal of pain again last night. I wrestled with God over what my next steps should be and I knew it was to go to the ER.

With my medical trauma, the ER isn’t my favorite place. Being re-traumatized…also… isn’t on my top list of fun things to do.

But ultimately my job is to listen and obey.

I just happened to be at Bible Study with some amazing women when the tears came and God asked me to go.

Nearly all of them volunteered to take me and I accepted. Which for me…shows growth and healing. My stubbornness often gets the best of me. But a stone of remembrance this was.

My friend who took me is also a masseuse and reflexologist. I can say with 100% certainty that I’ve never had someone utilize reflexology on my feet while I’ve been in the hospital and OH. MY. WORD. WHAT a difference!!!

From pain management to the Holy Spirit sitting with me around the clock, for the first time, I sat in a hospital room with complete peace.

So why was I there?

I don’t know. That’s my honest answer.

Pain management? Yes.

To remember? Yes.

For God to show me and remind me that He is with me. That He cares. That He sees. That He knows.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I believe He allowed this as a trial run of sorts. To use as a stone of remembrance for the day, one month from now when, Lord willing, my colon gets removed.

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What’s next???

Many of you know that I live with an invisible disability. If you hang around me long enough you can start to notice that the invisible becomes visible, but to the average eye…it’s just invisible.

As of late it has greatly impacted my quality of life. I’ll spare you the details but suffice it to say, my weekends are generally spent emptying my GI tract.

I’ve sought many “professional” advice, but mostly I’ve cried out to God asking Him to lead and direct.

One day on my drive home as I was lamenting, I felt the Lord asking me to pull over and call Danville.

Danville?

No thank you Lord.

Don’t you remember Lord! That’s where this all began!

Yes.

Danville.

So out of obedience, I pulled over and called.

I obtained a very quick appointment with a gastrointestinal surgeon.

Fast Forward a month to May.

I met with the surgeon who confirmed what another Dr. had recommended and that was all the confirmation I needed.

With one test and 6 weeks of prayer, I knew the next step was to have my colon removed.

So when I met with the surgeon for my follow up, my heart was at peace with the recommendation.

On Sept. 23rd, Lord willing, I’m scheduled to have my colon removed in Danville.

My hope isn’t in the surgeon or the surgery being successful. My hope is in God and God alone.

While I am hopeful this surgery will enhance my quality of life my hope doesn’t lie in this. Even if God chooses not to heal me, He is still good.

There’s a possibility I could go sooner if a cancellation happens. In the meantime I covet your prayers. I’ll be posting more in upcoming days but for now you can pray that I will continue to find my hope in Him and Him alone.

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Happy Year #2!!!!

It seems a little surreal to write that title! Two years ago on this day at 7:45 in the morning a few of us gathered at Teaberry Acres to welcome THE121 on her maiden voyage home!

I can honestly say that morning, those 120 minutes were the most nerve wracking minutes of my entire life. Thanks to a few skilled ex-Amish men and my amazing excavator, after two hours (from the road to the pad) from start to finish, THE121 landed with only a few scrapes and bruises.

Enjoy the video below that highlights the past 2 years of THE121 @ Teaberry Acres.

In some ways life looks a lot different and in other ways I’m still the simple girl living her simple life off grid somewhere in the woods of Pennsylvania.

The journey would not be possible without my God who has guided me each and every moment. He laughs with me. He cries with me. He talks with me. He has made the journey worth it.

So Happy 2nd Birthday house. I’ll enjoy you as long as the Lord allows.

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Weak

When preparing for a job interviewing, a common question asked is “what is your biggest weakness? I’ve heard so many times “my biggest weakness is also my biggest strength.”

We try to spin weakness.

Why?

We hate it.

Most of us have grown up in worlds where weakness was wrong.

America. Land of the Great. The Brave. The Free.

Land of the weak?

No.

If you’ve known me for anytime within the past 12 years you know that I’ve lived with an invisible disability. My digestive system has been slowing dying over the past few years and progressively has gotten worse.

It’s left me weak.

Weak physically and mentally.

I’ve been fighting against my body. I’ve been fighting against my own weakness.

I’m not suppose to be weak.

But the reality is, I am.

What’s one suppose to do with that?

As a therapist, I can thought stop, I can reframe, I can meditate and visualize and I do all those things.

But the one thing?

The one thing is the main thing.

Fix my Focus.

In my weakness He has shown me

  • His steadfast love
  • The love of community
  • The power of vulnerability
  • His abundant faithfulness
  • HIS STRENGTH

Have there been lots of tears? Yes.

Have I fought with Him? Yes.

Am I learning to trust Him? Yes.

He has had to strip me of my strength for me to learn that His strength and His power is enough.

And for that, for Him, I am beyond grateful.

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A sit in the silence

I have some big things coming up. One of them has the possibility to be very unknown, so I’ve been asking some questions that come with those big unknowns.

A friend asked me a question…

“Why are you afraid to sit still?”

And so… I sat still.

Kind of.

First I had to get my space ready….so I was…you know…comfortable.

Because honestly who enjoys sitting in discomfort?

One of my favorite places at teaberry acres is in my hammock chair around the fire pit.

So I built the fire and I sat.

There’s only one being that I know who has all the answers and so I sat and I asked…

“God, why do I have a hard time sitting still?”

And I waited…

He led me to

Luke 9:35

He told me, I’m just like Peter.

Jesus had chosen Peter to be in his inner circle that day… Peter was invited to come. To come to a moment no one else except he, James and John would witness.

Peter went, but the dude fell asleep (Lord knows there no judgement because this girl loves her sleep too!).

And then…they startle awake to see two dudes who have long since died.

Peters reaction?

“Let’s get to work!”

Why he felt it necessary to build shelters? I have no idea. But in that moment he had a choice. He could busy himself or BE with the ONE and be in THE MOMENT that never would be again…he wanted to work.

And then God intervenes…

LISTEN to my son. HE is THE one.

And so my answer to the question?

I’ve listened to far too many other voices my entire life.

Voices that say “do and you will be…”

I have valued other voices above THE ONE voice.

I have learned that DOING =‘s value (that’s another blog post) and so God is in his gracious loving care for me, to prepare me for what’s next…is teaching me now…to sit in the silence…and listen.

There is great value in being.

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Sleeping with Ants

A few weeks ago while changing out my curtains in my bedroom, I noticed a peculiar substance adorning my window sill. Not wanting to deal with it, I swept it up in my tiny vacuum and went about my day.

Fast forward a week or two when I was changing my sheets, lifted up my mattress and…I swear it started snowing in my bedroom! My hair was covered in fine white substance, my mattress had a good covering, and winter had arrived at THE121…only it was summer.

I quickly freaked out. Panicked and of course texted some friends.

Again, I vacuumed up the evidence and began my data collection. After a few days of sleeping on the couch and watching my security camera which I moved to my bedroom (yes you may judge me for that), I realized I had a carpenter ant problem.

I googled everything I possibly could and decided I could save myself quite a bit of money by attempting to take care of them myself.

Ready.

Until I couldn’t.

Long story short, the ants…just. Kept. Coming.

I called the exterminator. $200 bucks later and a few weeks and I think they are finally gone!

I live in the woods, of course I have carpenter ants. Now I know for next year…

The lesson learned?

Surrender.

Lay down my pride.

Take note and don’t ignore the problem.

Just like my spiritual life. There are signs when I’m off track. If I ignore the signs, it most likely will become more intense and complicated and in the end it will cost me.

Surrender.

God is so much bigger than the army of ants.

P.S. next summer I’ll spray around my house…

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New Beginnings

If I squint my eyes and look out my puppy kissed picture window through the towering trees and just down the gravel drive, I can almost picture THE121 making her maiden voyage onto Teaberry Acres. My mind can recall that hot August hair raising day, nearly two years ago (has it been that long???). It has. Two years. Almost.
My friend spoke over my house two years ago, that it would be a place of healing. Life hasn’t been butterflies and rainbows these past two years, so it was necessary as I went off grid literally, to go off grid figuratively. I needed the space and time to heal my body but most importantly my soul.
The quiet has been serene, it has been sad, it has been life giving, it has been breath taking, and it has been healing. But now is the time. The time to bring my voice back. To speak life to my own soul, but hopefully to yours as well. I am a firm believer in story telling. I believe that with the telling of a story, when it is held in sacred place, it can help the soul heal.
So welcome back. Thank you for allowing me the time. Thank you for allowing me the space. If you’re willing to journey with me, I’d love to share my story as God writes it. The story of the mundane, lessons I’m learning from life but also stories from the gift that THE121 gives me each day. Living in a Tiny House is glorious, but it’s not always for the faint of heart either.
We will laugh, we will cry, and I hope there will be a few celebrations along the way.

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