I’m currently sitting in a sterile dr’s office that appears to be stuck in an era before I was born.
The dr’s voices outside, the crumbling of the strange tissue paper substance being pulled off of the exam table along with the rumbling of the hvac system is activating my nervous system.
BREATHE.
As I take time to reflect, be present and look ahead to what is to come, I can only describe my feelings with one word.
TRUST.
I had the great privilege last night of hosting my community group at Teaberry Acres. As I was processing what I am feeling, the visual that comes to my mind is that of a trust fall.
If you’ve ever been to camp or have participated in a “team building” exercise, you may already know the visual.
One participant stands on top of a table with their arms folded across their chest and their back facing a team standing on the ground. A few people stand on one side with their arms outstretched, while a few people stand on the other side the same. The object is that the person standing on the table falls backwards “trusting” that the people with the outstretched arms will “catch” their fall.
I did it once when I was in high school. Haven’t done it since for obvious reasons. NOTHING about the experience was enjoyable.
Somewhere, I hear the voice of my camp counselor in my head saying “but did you Die?”
I may or may not have said back “no you idiot, go buy glasses.”
I can neither confirm nor deny.
As I look ahead, I look back and remember.
God CAN be trusted.
He has ALWAYS held me.
He has ALWAYS caught me.
BREATHE.
I feel like I’m on the edge. Ready to fall while remembering it’s not the scrawny high school girls who are going to catch my fall, but the loving arms of my Father.
And just for funsies, enjoy some amazing pics that my friend Nicole took last night of God’s beautiful creation @ Teaberry Acres.
Dusk is one of my favorite times of the day at the acres. The night sky through the woodsThe heavens declare His majesty. And of course the cutest dog who made herself a a home in the ferns to stay cool.
I can remember the day as if it just happened. I barely slept a wink. I hopped in my truck and greeted my friends around 6am at Teaberry Acres.
The anticipation spread through my muscles like the weight of several sumo wrestlers.
THE121 was making her maiden voyage from Holmes County Ohio. She had left at midnight and would be making her arrival to PA at dawn.
Even now, as I recall the adventure, my muscles tighten and my lips form a smile.
I will still tell you, that to this day, her arrival to her landing, was still the most harrowing 2 hours of my entire life.
On August 12, 2022 at 6am, she arrived.
It’s hard to believe it has been 3 years of God’s unending faithfulness.
The prayer that was prayed over this house on that day 3 years ago was that this house would be a place of healing.
Driving to another sight this morning for work, I had time to reflect all the ways that God has answered that prayer.
The solace and quiet that teaberry acres provides, has allowed ample opportunity for healing in the following ways:
Physically: 4 surgeries and a 5th on the horizon, THE121 has held my physical body and provided shelter and space to heal this God given broken body. She has also helped to heal my wounded nervous system. I remember the day I came home to a house flooded with my complete water reserve. Friends showed up within minutes, helping me to reframe that I am not alone.
Spiritually: The peace filled acres with God’s creation at every single angle of the eye is a constant reminder that God is here. He has quieted my Spirit to help me begin to heal from countless years of Spiritual abuse and trauma. He is helping me to reframe that He is a loving and gracious creator, Father, friend, caretaker and guide.
Mentally: He has helped me to heal mentally by surrounding me with so much that thrills my soul. The woods, the animals, the birds, my new “Croft” He is helping me to know and learn that I am valuable. That I am worth investing in.
Emotionally: He has awakened my soul to the countless emotions He has created me to feel. My first year here at THE121 I spent the entire year studying emotions in Scripture. God has created us in His image, what amazing creatures we are with alllllll the emotions.
So cue the confetti! Happy 3rd Birthday to THE121 @ Teaberry Acres. May this house continue to be a house of healing for not just this tiny house girl, but all who enter therein.
On a typical morning right before I leave the house, I pause. I pray. I thank God for the provisions He has provided and I ask Him to protect those provisions.
Most days I go about whatever my calling is for the day without second thought of God’s protection.
The cycle repeats.
For 1,093 days.
Until today.
Today marks the last Saturday I have free, until surgery.
Even though I am still fighting a head cold, I knew there were some items that needed to be crossed off my list to help prepare.
Burn the boxes.
Clean the bathroom.
Clean the toilet.
Do the laundry.
I carried the toilet outside and let it rest, started the generator for the laundry and lit mount saint Amazon on fire (in the fire pit of course).
After the quarterly toilet clean, I knew I needed to top off the generator, and that’s when I saw it.
How it happened?
No idea.
But it was in that moment, on this day, that I knew. I knew God spared us.
This could have been an explosion that would have taken out THE121, me and of course Maggie Marie.
AND. YET.
God spared us.
I’ve spent some time reflecting this afternoon on the goodness of God.
Is He good because He spared us?
Of course.
Would He still be good if He took us?
Yes.
I believe God still has healing in His heart for this girl at THE121.
I cannot not thank the Lord, that on this Saturday, in the summer, He chose to save our lives.
Her eyes were kind. Her long shoulder length hair interspersed with salt and pepper. The creases around her eyes showed the years of compassion she has poured out on many souls like mine, who sat across from her, our own furrowed brow.
My hands slid up and down the leggings on my thighs, remembering that I am human. My body heavy in the chair.
The kind eyed lady pulled out some crinkly material from her scrub pocket and laid them on the counter.
How about we start here.
Sure.
I nodded with trepidation.
She explained the crinkly pouches.
You’ll wake up with this one.
Sure.
She then pulled out of her other scrub pocket what she called “her Bible.”
Somehow, the worn pages gave me comfort. It signified she used it often.
When you wake up, when I come to see you, we can use this.
Trial and error.
Her “Bible” was a catalog of supplies.
Sure.
I was doing “ok” until she reached for the marker in front of her.
Sit natural.
In my mind, I was rifling through the Rolodex to find where “natural” fit into the terminology of having a hole cut into my abdomen to pull my small intestine through it.
I couldn’t find it.
Stand up.
Lay down.
Sit. Up.
I think that looks good.
That feels right.
The circle.
With just a few moves of my tired body, the circle signified the spot.
As I sit cross cross apple sauce writing my thoughts from my day, I feel my body. I honor my body. I honor the God given broken body that is mine.
I wonder if I’ll be able to ever sit like this again.
I cling to my Jesus.
I mourn what was.
I wonder what will be.
I honor the kind eyed nurse who had compassion on this trepidatious girl.
Listen. She’s had her own room for 3 years. Yes. My dog has had her OWN ROOM.
In.
A.
Tiny.
House.
So the time has come.
Maggie Marie is moving.
As I have laid on my couch for the past 3 years, I look up to her room (my loft) and think what wasted space.
I 100% believe that there can almost always be a better use of space.
Cue the music…
This is what Maggie’s room USE to look like (her bed isn’t pictured… it’s the other HALF of the room.
For about a year, I have been dreaming and praying about turning this loft into a craft space.
With surgery looming, and my unnamed employer not giving me a work from home decision until after surgery (I keep telling myself it’s to ensure I don’t die…), the Lord opened the door for the transformation to move forward. There’s a very real possibility I will need a second income if the work from home decision is rejected.
In just one week, God moved all the pieces (and people) to make the transformation happen!
A few strong college guys moving out the sleeper sofa. So amazing how much bigger the space looked!A tiny house girl and some IKEA furniture…I can neither confirm nor deny that a tiny house girl has a monkey costume. I can also neither confirm nor deny that the tiny house girl kept her friends entertained while helping to move. Some things just make me happy. Embroidery thread in a drawer is one of them. The finished project!
My heart is so full tonight as I rest. I’m so incredibly thankful for those who gave up of their precious time this past week to make this dream become a reality.
Life can feel a lot like a roller coaster. I don’t love that analogy, mostly because my love of roller coasters has been squashed after digestive tract surgery (I’ll leave the visual up to you…).
Currently I feel like the up tik waiting to cress the first hill. Yesterday marked the 1 month until… mark.
You can imagine the “things” that need to get done. Remember the tiny house hoarder post? In my own mind, there were “things” I wanted to do to get ready. “Things” I think I need or want.
Unbeknownst to me, last night started the purge of me.
The creature of habit I am, I turned on my computer to watch some mindless show to fall asleep when suddenly it wouldn’t turn on…no computer.
Fine.
Today on my way to an onsite visit for work, my gracious co-worker texted me (whilst I was going 60 mph) to notify me that my back tire was “wobbling.”
Fine.
My amazing mechanic met me on site but sadly it couldn’t be fixed on site.
It’ll take a day.
That’s when my spirit said “not fine.”
I was “trying” to stockpile my PTO for surgery.
God has other plans.
With my 4 way flashers on, I prayed my way to my mechanics. Pulling over every so often to let the parade of cars pass me by (I waved politely to their middle fingers).
In my ballet flats with my work bag flung over my shoulder, I began to grumble as I began walking home.
And then…without warning…I heard the Spirit say…
I rounded the corner and crested the drive of Teaberry Acres and looked up to the sun peaking through the tall trees.
My blistered little toe rubbed against my new ballet flats as the gravel crunched beneath my feet.
What did I see?
Packages resting against the front door of THE121.
Packages from you, amazing readers, my friends. Who have blessed me more than I can express!!!
The Lord has a way of stripping us so that we can see Him more clearly. It feels like a lot of stripping of me lately.
The surgery post was probably one of the most vulnerable posts I have posted in a long time. I fought the Spirit hard on that post. My independent self wants to think (believe) I can do it all on my own. I can’t. That is the reality. He is teaching me to surrender. Why?
I have to let go of me, so that I can see HIM.
After I carried my packages up my broken stairs, I wanted to text just one friend, but I could hear the Spirit say, “text your community group?”
All of them?
Yes.
I did.
Almost Immediately the texts came pouring in with offer rides to work, prayer, cars being offered, calls to make sure I was ok.
It’s so easy to focus on what I don’t have. The Lord wants me to focus on what I do have. Community. Sometimes that community looks like you blessing me with your prayers as well as practical gifts even from hundreds of miles away. Sometimes that looks like care in my community right here across the miles I call home.
So does He take away?
Yes.
Does He also give?
Also yes.
Blessed be his name.
So whether in plenty or in want.
I pray that I can say
Blessed be HIS name.
Thank you for journeying with me. For blessing me. For praying.
I’m currently laying in the sun watching the trees sway in the breeze as pine needles drift to the gravel ground on teaberry acres.
Having just returned home from a funeral of a life well lived, I contemplate my own life and what’s next for me.
Some time ago, I began experiencing a “new pain.” Pain is no stranger to me, however “new pain” is always alarming. After many back and forth phone calls with my surgeon and more tests, it has been discovered that the site where my small intestine was connected to my rectum following my colectomy is not doing well.
I went through the normal “try this and try that” without success. As my surgeon entered the room, I looked up with my furrowed brow and racing heart to hear her ask “so what do you want to do?”
My flesh made the decision long before my spirit. My flesh made the “easier decision” to attempt a “re-do” of the connection site. However, when I left her office, I had zero peace.
I drove the back roads to my office fighting the racing thoughts and fears with every single turn.
With a phone call to a friend, my spirit broke. Tears streamed down my face as I spoke the words “ I don’t want another surgery.” She asked the important question, “what does God want you to do?”
In my flesh I wanted the easy way out. BUT. GOD.
With another phone call to my friend who is oh so good with the logistical side of life, I explored my options as I recapped the journey of the last 14 years of a body that isn’t meant for this world.
I hung up the phone, without any more peace and attempted to go to bed. Yet, my body tossed and turned as my flesh fought with The Spirit. You see, the third option the surgeon presented, was an ileostomy.
At 1:30 in the morning, I surrendered my will to His. It has taken me over a month to write this post and to say these words. Because in my flesh I am terrified and fearful. An ileostomy is a very life changing surgery. One that will take quite some time to adjust.
BUT. GOD.
In my Spirit, there is peace. There is peace in surrender. Not my will but His. I imagine Jesus in the garden. His anxiety so high, He sweated blood. And yet he spoke the words “not my will but yours.”
In a month I’ll have my digestive system once again re-routed in hopes of bypassing the “troubled” areas.
Am I terrified? 100%
Do I have peace? 100%
I believe fear and peace can co-exist as we live in our earthly bodies while also allowing the Holy Spirit to fill us.
I covet your prayers as I prepare for the journey ahead. If you would like to help practically, I’ve created a wishlist for some items that would be helpful as I again navigate another new way of life.
Thank you for sharing in this journey with me. Life in the flesh is hard and challenging some days. BUT. GOD. He is kind and compassionate. He cares. He knows. He loves.
If you have sat with me for any moment of time, you may know that I LOVE asking questions.
I truly care and I’m genuinely interested.
So when I asked a few co workers what their goals were for the summer, the answers were usual, go to an amusement park, go on a hike, ect.
When the question was posed back to me, I knew my answer right away “I want to clean all my cupboards and deep clean my house.”
I may or may not have said “THE121 is starting to look a little bit hoarded!”
A few very blank stares responded my way.
How can a tiny house look hoarded???
VERY EASILY.
While I have much storage (and for that I am grateful), my organization style is somewhere around shove it in any place that has a door to cram it in the back of my truck.
You can imagine that it’s a lot easier to look like a hoarder in 250 square feet than it may in a traditional house. If you bring things in without taking things out… it can quickly become overwhelming.
With the humidity hanging around 1,000%, I somehow gathered enough strength to clean some of the cupboards today!
BeforeAfterAs someone who lives with a disability my medicine cabinet can get overwhelming VERY quickly. Condensed and organized. Sometimes the toilet has to serve as a shelf when you’re organizing your bathroom. I decided I didn’t need 5,000 bottle of tums! Throwing stuff out feels SO good!!!
Summer isn’t over quite yet and to meet this goal early on is such a good feeling!
Yes, I have to clean and organize THE121 just like typical people in typical houses. The difference? It just doesn’t take quite as long and for that, I am so very grateful!
I led a workshop today on spiritual wellness. Among the many things we talked about was “where do you find your peace?”
I was able to share with participants that I find a lot of peace here among the acres in the beauty of God’s creation. Lately I’ve been going out to potty with Maggie Marie (shameless cute puppy picture below) at night.
Wait. She potties, I don’t. I know I have a composting toilet but that DOES NOT mean I potty outside!
Rewind.
While she is doing her business I wander and observe. I take time to thank my creator God for the so many good gifts He has given me.
Tonight as I perused around THE121 something caught my eye.
What was that tucked behind my angel wing begonias in my window box???
I would like to say I squealed with glee like a little school girl but truthfully I ran back into my house to grab my phone to take a pic!
And then…I sent it to my sister who entered the nest into Google lens.
There you have it.
I’m officially old.
I find joy in birds.
I’ve written it down.
For the world to read.
Although I haven’t bought the books or binoculars yet. So maybe I’m only middle aged????
But I did nearly break my neck to get this picture….
I will let you decide 😉.
I’ll keep you posted…
P.S. I want to know how YOU have identified what bird built this nest!
Tiny House Girl 