Category: The Journey

My own personal journey

If I could…

If I could, I would. That’s what I found myself saying to a friend.

“If I could learn any other way…”

It has been in the moments of pain that God draws me closer to Himself. I truly believe this is the route He has for me because His purpose is my sanctification.

About 6 weeks ago while doing laundry, I had pain in my side that stopped me in my tracts. The surgeon said “give it time.”

Twice, she has said that.

And now it’s been six weeks.

So here we are.

So once again I drove to Danville today holding my side and asking God to help me make it safely. I met with my surgeons team who scheduled another CT scan.

What happened? Only God knows at this point.

Is it hard? 100%

Do I believe that I should be able to do anything and everything at this point? 100%

But if I could learn any other way but through pain than I believe I would.

As I drove home, I continued to listen to an audiobook title Not A Fan by Kyle Idleman. The premise? Am I fan of Jesus or a follower?

I knew God was prompting my heart to surrender. To follow, at all cost. Yes even in pain.

So here I lay, flat on my back (with some good pain meds on board), surrendered (and will probably need to surrender again because you know…that thing called will…).

I wait and I listen.

I lean in and I ask for Him to teach me in the pain.

I would also covet your prayers as I have a couple appointments this week to meet with my PCP and also back to Danville for a CT scan (to hopefully rule things out).

Thanks for journeying with me…

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We are home!!!

After six weeks, I am home!

Technically, I made it home last week, but coming home has wore me out!

There’s not been an update for awhile because I went off grid for a little bit to allow my body and soul time rest and heal.

So how am I doing?

Overall…very well! My main obstacle right now is just feeling very tired. So I require a lot of rest. Can’t complain, the Lord has been and continues to outpour His love through people, through the space to rest and the quiet that Teaberry Acres affords me. I am grateful.

Maggie Marie and I are back together again!

I’ve been reading and resting and will update on the books that the Lord has used to challenge my heart and prompt me to make some changes going forward.

So for now just enjoy some pics of my girl and I adjusting to being back at home..

We both require a lot of rest!
I love this coloring book my former second grade teacher sent! It’s relaxing and addicting.
Watching the world go by snuggled under the cozy blanket gifted by a friend.
Life is just hard some days…

Grateful to be home ❤️.

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The Power of Community

I spent time reflecting today on the power of community. It’s easy to think sometimes that we are alone on an island. For many of us, our days consist of going to work and coming home or taking care of kiddos, cooking dinner, helping with homework, ect. We can get so caught in the grind that life can feel isolating from time to time.

I have been looking at this time as a sabbatical of sorts. Getting up each morning and asking the Lord what He has for me that day. Today, was to spend time in gratitude for the amazing community I have been surrounded with.

In the past four weeks, I have never been without. Sooo many people have shown up. From groceries, to flowers, to meals, blankets, clothes and sooo much more… I can’t even begin to list all the blessings God’s people have bestowed upon me.

Recovery still continues to be slow and it will be several weeks yet until I can go back to THE121. I’ve come to accept and embrace the path God has me on, knowing it is for my good.

I am continuing to introduce new foods almost daily now and understanding some may have to be crossed back off for now.

God continues to help me to fix my focus and I am beyond grateful for the love of community.

I’m thankful for this time and all that God has planned.

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Riding the Ride…one day at a time.

In therapy sometimes, I remind clients that our mental health can sometimes feel like a roller coaster. Sometimes you feel like your gliding forward enjoying the ride and then suddenly you feel yourself dangling upside down looking at the sky and feeling a little dizzy. However, it’s those upside down loops that propel you forward on the ride!

And this, my friends, is how I am feeling! Some days have been ok and then there’s nights like this past Monday where I found myself back in the emergency room in extreme pain.

Self-talk is real and cognitive reframing works. Turns out I developed an ileus, whether from scar tissue or my digestive system still learning how to work, either way I’m so grateful for modern medicine! I’m also super grateful for my friend who sacrificed her entire nights sleep to sit with me so I wouldn’t be alone.

So while it can feel discouraging, I can also choose to be grateful for my amazing friends who show up over and over again (even when I’m not that kind), who offer grace and sacrifice so many hours to help me figure out how to navigate my new way of life.

We were never created to live alone. So while I may feel a little twisted and hanging upside down from time to time. I am confident that I am being propelled forward into a new, healthier version of myself.

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Tiny House Setbacks

It’s hard to believe I’m 1.5 weeks post-op already!

How’s it going?

Slow.

That’s to be expected, however and patience is a learned skill, not an inherent one we are born with.

So I continue to be grateful for each day that marks one step closer on the healing journey.

One major piece I’m grateful for is my friend who is graciously allowing me to recover at her house.

Why am I not at my house, you may ask?

Valid Question.

There are some drawbacks to tiny house living, specifically when it comes to recovering from abdominal surgery.

You may remember that I live completely off grid which means there are chores that have to be done everyday to keep THE121 functioning. Pulling the generator and emptying the compost in the toilet are two chores at the top of the list.

As you can imagine both of these chores require sufficient abdominal strength to which the Dr. has advised against.

There’s also the concern of not having valid stairs to get into my house yet (anyone know someone who is good at building stairs???). Mine may or may not resemble something from the backwoods of another era and have served me sufficiently until now.

And so I wait. I wait until God says go back. I’m overly grateful for my friend who has graciously agreed to stay at THE121 for me to watch Maggie Marie and keep the house breathing.

God continues to put each piece in his grand puzzle at just the right time.

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Clean Clothes, A Shower + A Puppy.

A shower + Clean Clothes + Maggie =‘s I’m out!

What an unexpected but delightful twist to this day! My treatment team made rounds this morning and asked me if I wanted to leave?

OF. Course!!!!

So I had a quick trial run this morning to see if I could tolerate breakfast and lunch, which I did and I’m now in clean clothes, showered and cuddled up With Maggie Marie.

Reminds me of the muck, dirt and grime we walk through everyday and yet somehow we are always striving for more.

This hospital stay was so different in so many ways and I believe it all has to do with giving everything over to Jesus. He came to wash us with His blood. Wash us clean from Our sin. The muck, the mire, the ugliness we roll around in. Jesus just asks us to come. He has done the work, so that if we accept Him, He will wash us clean.

While on this side of heaven we will have suffering, NG tubes, paralysis, cancer and whatever else may plague us, He. Is. Enough.

He’s asking you and me to come Him, snuggle up close and watch Him do a new thing.

Disclaimer: I’m not at my home but a gracious friends home who is helping me in this next phase.

Why not recover in a tiny home? That’s another blog post…

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9/28/24 – update

Have you ever had a long night of the soul? Where you watch every hour tick by, where you walk the halls and cry out to Jesus?

That was last night for me.

I’ve never been so excited to see 6am in my life! The time the hospital begins to wake up…when there’s At least activity and you know you’re not alone.

The truth of the matter is, I have never been alone, not once. My good and gracious Father God has been here with me, speaking to me and providing for my every single need.

So why was I discouraged this morning?

Other than the obvious lack of sleep, my focus was off. I could only think about my physical suffering. So when a friends text sent me to this verse

It was what I needed to get that 1 degree back on track.

My God is good and not because I get what I want, but because He gives me what I need!

Also THANK YOU FOR PRAYING!

The NG tube DID come out this morning!

I showered and am in my own pajamas!!!

Today’s request is that my body can handle the liquid diet with no complications. I have eaten or drank anything since Wednesday so I’m being kind to myself by allowing my system to wake back up.

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Post Surgery Update

I think I’m finally back to earth where I can post and update for all who have been following along with me on this journey.

Firstly, thank you for your prayers!!! Without the interventions of Gods people, I am convinced outcomes can be different.

The surgery itself went well and I did NOT need an ostomey bag!! My sister said the surgery was about 4 hours long, she was a trooper to wait such a long time from when I went back to when I got my room.

Other than some pain management issues, all appeared to be going well on Tuesday so the surgeon reintroduced food. I’ll spare you the details, but suffice it to say, it didn’t go well.

I ended up getting an NG tube that released about a gallon of gas/bile over a short time to which I still have.

As I still have the NG tube, I’ll be here atleast through the weekend. My biggest request is that the NG tube can come out today and that when food is reintroduced it will go well. If you could pray for those two things with me, I would be grateful!

I can’t speak because the tube has severely irritated my throat along with a developed cough from the tube. I’ve had a lot of time to sit with Jesus, pray and watch some documentaries.

God is always good, thank you for journeying and praying with me!

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Good gifts from Ohio

As a friend dropped off a bag of snacks, and another a beautiful thoughtful gift for recovery, one of the best gifts arrived from Ohio the night before surgery.

My sister has graciously made the trek from Ohio to be there with me tomorrow. There are few gifts like a sister. We have traversed many roads together and sometimes those roads have crossed and others have led us to be states away. As we have grown and matured we have grown in our friendship.

So it’s super comforting that she gets to be here for another road the Lord has asked me to walk and I’m grateful this road is crossing our paths.

If you know me, you know I have a love for pickles! She crocheted this super cute pickle for me! I’m going to keep him close!

My nephew also sent me a monster truck drawing to help aid in recovery ❤️!

Between all the prayers, gifts, texts and words of encouragement, I am beyond humbled.

Surgery is set for noon tomorrow and expected to take about 4 hours. Here are some ways you can pray:

  • Pray for my surgeon. Her name is Dr. Hoffman. Pray that the Lord will give her wisdom and discernment, a steady hand and eyes to see what she needs to see.
  • Pray that I will have opportunity to share His good name.
  • Pray for good pain management
  • Pray for the nurses and staff who will be on my care team that they will be encouraged and supported
  • Prayers that my system would restart (I can’t leave the hospital until it does).

Thank you for journeying with me! God gives good gifts!

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Out of Office…

The emotions hit me in waves today as I transferred my last client over to our outpatient team.

As I said “see you later to so many awesome co-workers” and changed my voicemail to say “don’t leave a message, I won’t be back until 2025.”

I tidied up my office and flipped my door indicator to “out of office.”

While I don’t know what the future holds, I know the one who holds the future and I don’t say that lightly or contritely.

As one who has endured quite a bit of medical trauma, I can be tempted to fear (and I have). In fact, I sat before the Lord Tuesday night and listed them out, one by one. As I listed them out, I asked Him to speak His truth over them. Thinking He would give me a verse for each one, instead He gave me one verse that covers them all:

He reminded me, He will supply all of my needs. If I need it, He will supply it. End of story.

And just because of His great love, He’s even supplied some of my wants! I’m incredibly humbled by the outpouring of gifts to help make recovery just a little bit more comfortable. So thank you. Thank you for journeying with me.

When the Lord grants me breaks from the bathroom this weekend, I’ll post how you can pray.

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