As I sit sipping my morning coffee with Maggie Marie sitting on my lap, I hear the laughter of grown men coming amongst the smell of a fire wafting from the fire pit at Teaberry Acres. It’s barely 10am on Saturday morning and the trees are falling.
The only word that is coming to my mind at this moment is humility.
In many Christian cultures we are taught that to accept help is a sign of weakness. We should be able to help ourselves, don’t ya know? God gave us arms and legs to work.
So I sit and battle the old woman. The old woman who would never ask for help. The old woman who would push herself, condemn herself, berate herself and fight till the death. The old woman who wants to pull on her muck boots, grab her work gloves and join the men dawning their chain saws.
And yet.
Here I sit with Maggie Marie on my lap and my morning coffee turning cold.
If God created the body (and He did), than who am I to tell the feet to stay still or the hands to stay in the pockets or the mouth to remain silent?
Each part of the body serves a function. If the leg is broken, the hips adjust, the hands grip the crutch, the eyes open a little wider…
So today, as my body reminds me that I am broken, my mental shift turns to gratitude that the body of Christ has shown up to clean up the wreckage of winds storms gone by at Teaberry Acres.
Humbling? 100%
Grateful? 100%
God is doing a new thing in my mind, body & soul.
I am here for it.
To the men and woman who showed up today. You are the body of Christ. Thank you for teaching me.
As I sit by my bay window and watch the sun set on another day at Teaberry Acres my heart knows a peace it hasn’t felt in days.
I’ve noticed a restlessness that is ever so familiar leading up to the days of Drs appointments and surgery.
I’ve been taking more milligrams of melatonin and accomplishing many tasks around teaberry acres. You may be wondering to yourself, what’s the big deal with that?
One word.
Anxiety.
I believe beyond knowing Jesus, one of the best gifts we can give ourselves is to be a student of ourselves.
For me, I know that my inability to sit still or to sleep at night is a flag and the flag’s name is anxiety.
So rather than come home and spread the ton of gravel my awesome neighbor dropped off for me (because yes, I thought that would be a great idea the week before surgery…), I sat still.
I asked the Lord what my soul was anxious about. It really came down to one word.
Control.
Control can be an idol in my life. I love routine, I love stability, I love predictability…all of which encompass control.
My life is going to look VERY different these next three months. Very unpredictable, unstable and maybe not so routine for the first month or more.
So the Lord gave me the picture of the classic trust fall. If you’ve ever been to camp or done team building exercises you know what I am talking about. Where you stand on a table, put your arms across your chest and then fall backwards expecting others to catch you.
He has planned this all out for me. He is asking me to trust Him.
A friend gave me this book for my post surgery read
But I felt called to open a chapter tonight. The soul question was:
“What do I most deeply cherish?”
The answer will often reveal what causes our anxiety and for me, it’s the idol of control.
So I sit in peace, in the stillness of the setting sun as the crickets begin their night song tonight, knowing that with surrender comes trust.
Will you pray with me that I can keep my heart in the place of surrender and trust?
I saw a great question today on social media that asked, “Why do you go to church.”
This question struck me today as, for the first time in a month, I was able to be in person at church in person. There’s something completely different about being in person than going online…
Although side note: I am SUPER grateful my church livestreams!
Taken last week as a reminder!
My weekends, when I’m eating solid foods, are spent…well…emptying.
So as I chose to do liquids this week, God gave me the opportunity to attend in person!
So why do I go to church?
Community – sure community can be sticky and tricky and messy. It can also be strong and building and encouraging. I know I’m not meant to live on a deserted island (although some days it’s tempting!) and so the best community I have ever had, has always been found at church.
Change – can I change without going to church? Sure. But for me, growth and change happens as I am challenged from the pulpit WEEKLY as well as from my community group WEEKLY. I 100% love that I am challenged to grow as a result of strong Biblical preaching that is relevant, relatable and 100% Biblically. One of my constant prayers is that I will continue to be sanctified and Church is one tool God uses in multiple ways.
Christ – this one should really be first! Christ died for me. He died for you. We are broken people. We need Christ. The church (broken and all) is His. It’s another place that I can gather with His people, worship Him, draw near to Him and allow Him to speak into me.
As a survivor of Spiritual Abuse, I can 100% understand so many hesitations to enter into a place where harm has happened, and if that’s you…I am truly sorry.
I can speak for myself that I am so grateful I haven’t given up on the church (although I have been tempted many times).
I would love to dialogue more if you have any questions and oh, if you’re looking for a great church, I think mine is pretty great! You can check it out Here.
I sat at my desk today scheduling clients as usual and it really started to hit me…24 days… while it may seem so far away for some, to me, it appears like a blip on the radar.
I’ve lost count by this time of what # surgery this is, in the grand scheme, it doesn’t really matter.
What does matter? That I seek the face of my Father, that I shelter under his wing (Ps. 91:4). He and He alone is my safe place. To refuge in anyone else or anything else would (and has) led to disappointment.
So I’m trying to do things different this time around.
First and foremost, I’m trying to rest BEFORE surgery. I’m not completing the 1 million projects I need want to do. I’m trying to be kind to my body even though my brain screams…
DO ALL THE THINGS!!!
I’m taking more deep breaths and savoring more moments.
Secondly, I’m asking for help. (Shocking, I know!)
This is where you come in…
Here are several ways you can help
Pray (seriously this is number 1!). I’ll post more specifically as things progress but for now will you pray that I will continue to surrender my will at His feet?
As of now I could be in the hospital up to a week. I hate hospitals and can spiral quickly while I’m there! So I’m asking if you can to record a short video of your favorite encouraging verse that I can watch when I’m there (shoot me a message for my email or phone #), I’m going to make a compilation video!
I’ve created an Amazon wish list. These are NOT things I need but (as I have learned) can help make recovery a little bit more comfortable. So if you’re compelled, I’ve attached my Amazon wish list Here.
I think one of the biggest question we ask is “why do things happen the way they do?”
I’ve asked it, and my guess is, so have you.
I found myself in a great deal of pain again last night. I wrestled with God over what my next steps should be and I knew it was to go to the ER.
With my medical trauma, the ER isn’t my favorite place. Being re-traumatized…also… isn’t on my top list of fun things to do.
But ultimately my job is to listen and obey.
I just happened to be at Bible Study with some amazing women when the tears came and God asked me to go.
Nearly all of them volunteered to take me and I accepted. Which for me…shows growth and healing. My stubbornness often gets the best of me. But a stone of remembrance this was.
My friend who took me is also a masseuse and reflexologist. I can say with 100% certainty that I’ve never had someone utilize reflexology on my feet while I’ve been in the hospital and OH. MY. WORD. WHAT a difference!!!
From pain management to the Holy Spirit sitting with me around the clock, for the first time, I sat in a hospital room with complete peace.
So why was I there?
I don’t know. That’s my honest answer.
Pain management? Yes.
To remember? Yes.
For God to show me and remind me that He is with me. That He cares. That He sees. That He knows.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
I believe He allowed this as a trial run of sorts. To use as a stone of remembrance for the day, one month from now when, Lord willing, my colon gets removed.
It seems a little surreal to write that title! Two years ago on this day at 7:45 in the morning a few of us gathered at Teaberry Acres to welcome THE121 on her maiden voyage home!
I can honestly say that morning, those 120 minutes were the most nerve wracking minutes of my entire life. Thanks to a few skilled ex-Amish men and my amazing excavator, after two hours (from the road to the pad) from start to finish, THE121 landed with only a few scrapes and bruises.
Enjoy the video below that highlights the past 2 years of THE121 @ Teaberry Acres.
In some ways life looks a lot different and in other ways I’m still the simple girl living her simple life off grid somewhere in the woods of Pennsylvania.
The journey would not be possible without my God who has guided me each and every moment. He laughs with me. He cries with me. He talks with me. He has made the journey worth it.
So Happy 2nd Birthday house. I’ll enjoy you as long as the Lord allows.
When preparing for a job interviewing, a common question asked is “what is your biggest weakness? I’ve heard so many times “my biggest weakness is also my biggest strength.”
We try to spin weakness.
Why?
We hate it.
Most of us have grown up in worlds where weakness was wrong.
America. Land of the Great. The Brave. The Free.
Land of the weak?
No.
If you’ve known me for anytime within the past 12 years you know that I’ve lived with an invisible disability. My digestive system has been slowing dying over the past few years and progressively has gotten worse.
It’s left me weak.
Weak physically and mentally.
I’ve been fighting against my body. I’ve been fighting against my own weakness.
I’m not suppose to be weak.
But the reality is, I am.
What’s one suppose to do with that?
As a therapist, I can thought stop, I can reframe, I can meditate and visualize and I do all those things.
But the one thing?
The one thing is the main thing.
Fix my Focus.
In my weakness He has shown me
His steadfast love
The love of community
The power of vulnerability
His abundant faithfulness
HIS STRENGTH
Have there been lots of tears? Yes.
Have I fought with Him? Yes.
Am I learning to trust Him? Yes.
He has had to strip me of my strength for me to learn that His strength and His power is enough.
I’ve advocated for off grid living to countless people… and the #1 question I get…
What about the 💩?!
If a composting toilet was or is an anomaly to you, there’s no judgement, it was to me too at first!
So here’s the basic Tiny House Girl breakdown of how the composting toilet works…
Step #1 Remove dog from bathroom
But seriously, that bucket in front of the toilet is the liquid bucket. No you can’t pee and poop at the same time (this may be a deal breaker for some people but, trust me you can learn to change your ways!).
My urine bucket gets dumped weekly and if you want to know where the pee goes you’ll have to message me as I can’t disclose that information in a public forum 😉.
Now what about the 💩?!
Step #2 – remove the toilet from the house.
My toilet literally screws to the floor. It’s super simple to unscrew! I take mine outside for obvious reasons (ain’t nobody want humanure on the kitchen floor!)
Step #3 – remove the head and dump!
The head literally just skids off of the base (the head can be seen behind the toilet)
Then place a trash bag over the base (the base is where the solids are stored) and dump!
Step #4 – remove the trash bag and set aside
This is what your solids looks like (pictured above) almost all compost!
Step #5 – coat the bucket
After emptying the solids in the trash bag, I coat my solids bucket with diatomaceous earth (think coating a brownie pan with flour before pouring in the batter). This helps a few ways:
a. Bugs don’t like it
b. It prevents sticking (you know what I mean!)
c. It also helps with odor control
Step #6 – prepare your material
Depending on the season depends on the compost material I use. This picture was taken in the spring and therefore I use pine pellets. Pine pellets help absorb moisture and odor so it’s a great agent. However I notice I have to change my solids more frequently with pine pellets. In the summer I use more coco core as I notice less odor with the coco core but also mix in some pine pellets to deter gnats. Coco core definitely lasts longer making it less of a chore, however it’s also more expensive.
Both the pine pellets and the coco core need to be hydrated.
The above pic is a few handful of pine pellets. The pic below is what they look like after hydration!
Step #7 – pour your compost agent into the bucket up to the agitator
Fill the solids bucket back up with your hydrated material and re-install!
It truly is that easy!
The entire process from start to finish takes me about 20 minutes and typically I only need to empty about every 2-3 months!
Now where do I put the compost?!
In the compost pile!!!
Before you start sending me hate mail…
1.) I don’t use this compost in the garden where I plant veggies or anything else for human consumption
I throw my kitchen compost, my yard compost and my solids compost all together and it truly makes my plants so happy!
And here’s the evidence 🙂 it takes about a year for the compost to all conjoin and break down…these flower boxes are planted with the compost from last year!
And there you have it!
Side note: did you know that the most water consumption in your house comes from flushing your toilet?
On average I save about 100 gallons of water a week by utilizing a composting toilet.
Is it for everyone?
No.
Is it hard?
No.
Tiny House living is an adventure and the composting toilet is part of it!
A few weeks ago while changing out my curtains in my bedroom, I noticed a peculiar substance adorning my window sill. Not wanting to deal with it, I swept it up in my tiny vacuum and went about my day.
Fast forward a week or two when I was changing my sheets, lifted up my mattress and…I swear it started snowing in my bedroom! My hair was covered in fine white substance, my mattress had a good covering, and winter had arrived at THE121…only it was summer.
I quickly freaked out. Panicked and of course texted some friends.
Again, I vacuumed up the evidence and began my data collection. After a few days of sleeping on the couch and watching my security camera which I moved to my bedroom (yes you may judge me for that), I realized I had a carpenter ant problem.
I googled everything I possibly could and decided I could save myself quite a bit of money by attempting to take care of them myself.
Ready.
Until I couldn’t.
Long story short, the ants…just. Kept. Coming.
I called the exterminator. $200 bucks later and a few weeks and I think they are finally gone!
I live in the woods, of course I have carpenter ants. Now I know for next year…
The lesson learned?
Surrender.
Lay down my pride.
Take note and don’t ignore the problem.
Just like my spiritual life. There are signs when I’m off track. If I ignore the signs, it most likely will become more intense and complicated and in the end it will cost me.
If I squint my eyes and look out my puppy kissed picture window through the towering trees and just down the gravel drive, I can almost picture THE121 making her maiden voyage onto Teaberry Acres. My mind can recall that hot August hair raising day, nearly two years ago (has it been that long???). It has. Two years. Almost. My friend spoke over my house two years ago, that it would be a place of healing. Life hasn’t been butterflies and rainbows these past two years, so it was necessary as I went off grid literally, to go off grid figuratively. I needed the space and time to heal my body but most importantly my soul. The quiet has been serene, it has been sad, it has been life giving, it has been breath taking, and it has been healing. But now is the time. The time to bring my voice back. To speak life to my own soul, but hopefully to yours as well. I am a firm believer in story telling. I believe that with the telling of a story, when it is held in sacred place, it can help the soul heal. So welcome back. Thank you for allowing me the time. Thank you for allowing me the space. If you’re willing to journey with me, I’d love to share my story as God writes it. The story of the mundane, lessons I’m learning from life but also stories from the gift that THE121 gives me each day. Living in a Tiny House is glorious, but it’s not always for the faint of heart either. We will laugh, we will cry, and I hope there will be a few celebrations along the way.
Tiny House Girl 