Tag: #beingstill

Decompress December

A week ago I was talking to a friend who declared December to be “Declutter December.” I so loved that for her!

Her declaration got me thinking, “What do I want December to be for me?” If you read my last post, you know that 2025 has been HARD. As I laid on my couch talking to the Lord, He gave it to me, Decompress December.

As a therapist, I spend a lot of time listening to sacred stories. All of our stories are sacred because the Father is writing them.

Some of our stories hold sorrows. Sorrows and pain get stored in our bodies. As a trauma informed therapist, I have become even more aware of how God created our bodies so miraculously.

You may have heard the phrase, “I’ve been triggered” before. I prefer the word “activated.” Why? Because when you feel “triggered,” your body is actually responding the exact way that God designed it to react. Your amygdala is being “activated” to keep you safe.

Again, why? Your body remembers that at some point in your life, that feeling, that sound, that smell…wasn’t…safe.

I’ll stop there. I could PREACH (or geek) on this for a while.

So when my friend made her declaration, I also knew that I needed to make mine.

My body has held the weight for awhile. It has been remembering the hard.

God has been asking me to decompress.

Do the things that bring you joy tiny house girl.

Release the stress and decompress.

December is hard enough with ALLLLL the things. Why do we need to make it any harder for ourselves?

What brings you joy?

What do you need to let go of in order to decompress?

Release the stress and decompress.

You. Are. Worth. It.

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A liturgy of goodbye

Tonight I had the immense privilege of practicing the liturgy of goodbye.

11 months ago, I signed up to be part of a cohort of men and women from across the country to practice the art of healing.

I had no idea 11 months ago that these men and women would become like family to me.

Each Monday night we would gather in our virtual living room and hold space for each others stories.

In 11 months they have watched me resign from a job, start a new job, wrestle through the changes of my body, agree to another life altering surgery, wrestle through relationships, resign from a job and step in faith into another job.

I have found healing, held space for others and helped them heal in the process.

I sit in awe and amazement at what 11 months, 7 people and space can do for a persons heart.

So what does the liturgy of goodbye entail?

3 questions:

1.) Where have I seen you change?

2.) What do I long for you?

3.) How you and your story have changed me.

So simple and yet so profound. Most of us don’t do goodbyes well. If we are honest, we create rupture so the goodbye doesn’t hurt as bad (proverbially).

Tonight changed that for me. We can do goodbyes differently. What if, instead of cursing, we do blessing?

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A whirlwind leads to change…

Mel Robbin’s is famous for her Let them Theory. Her famous quote, “Let them show you who they really are and then YOU can choose what you do next.”

I listened to this audio book in just a few days. Such a simple quote with such profound and deep impact.

You may remember a post about a certain employer not playing nice. This came just after I finished Mel’s book.

I knew I had a choice to make.

Sometimes the choice is no choice and other times, the choice is to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit.

In my case it meant…hang on tight, here we go!!!

After 2 months of praying, waiting and listening, last week I had a series of interviews that led to a job offer this past Friday.

God opened one door after another and in two weeks, I will begin a new adventure as a therapist with an intensive outpatient organization working completely remote.

God and I have been having conversations about my concerns returning to work. I believe this new opportunity is His compassion on me.

Please join me in prayer for smooth transitions, as well as opportunities to share the light and hope of change.

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This I know

I can’t say that life has magically gotten better. That’s just not true. Most days are like ground hog day.

I don’t hate the days.

I don’t hate much of anything.

If I hate anything, I hate mental illness and diseases that plague so many of us.

I have heard from several of you after my last post. If I look at the stats, I would say mental illness hits most of us, if not personally, than perhaps relationally.

What does mental illness look like when you live alone?

It looks like, for me, doing what I know.

I know spending time tucked up with my Jesus is helpful. Even if, cognitively, I can’t go as deep as I normally would. I do it.

Why?

Because the word is alive and active.

I’ve been spending each morning with one verse of my favorite Psalm.

He is my safety. The Holy Spirit dwells in me. I know He is present at THE121.

He and He alone is my safe place.

I sleep.

Some days I can sleep more than others and that’s ok.

I advocate when I have the strength.

Just today, I advocated for more liquid supplements. The Dr wanted me to take over the counter. However, when I’m on short term disability, money is still tight. She heard me and sent a prescription. Thank God for insurance and empathetic doctors.

Physically, I feel better than ever with next to no pain (my pacemaker stitch is being a little spesh).

So I do each day, what I KNOW to do.

I’m so thankful for my tiny house tucked up on the woods that allows me peace and solitude to heal.

Heal physically.

Heal mentally.

Heal emotionally.

Healing takes time. It takes work. It takes each other.

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You can’t explain it…

I’m currently sitting in my favorite spot, my window seat at THE121. The sun is shining through the golden leaves of my towering oak while the sound of pine needles rain down on the gravel drive.

I hear Maggie Marie snarling at a pesky squirrel jumping on broken branches.

The end of the week hits different when my only job is to rest and heal. I sit and reflect on the week as though it were a thousand days. I try to savor the time and the moments because I know it will come to an end.

This week has held so many “God moments.”

Two stand out.

There has been no movement on the unnamed employer. I trust and ask God to provide. Typically I go to the mail far less often than the normal person, it’s just not exciting. However this week, I was led to the mailbox and inside was a very generous check. I stood and just thanked the Lord for his provisions.

ONLY. GOD.

The second may not seem like much, however God works in mysterious ways. Shortly after moving into THE121, I had a water break and I lost my entire water supply. Along with the water supply, I lost my water gauge that tells me how much water is in my supply tank.

For 3 years, I have lived on faith that there was enough water in my tank to supply my daily needs. For 3 years, I have never run out of supply!

This past week as much needed rain began to fall on teaberry acres, I noticed a strange movement in the broken gauge. I peered at the gauge briefly and the movement continued.

After 3 years, the gauge has “miraculously” started working again!

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the book next to my gauge is “Experiencing the Presence of God.”

God’s presence is clearly here at THE121.

When I feel weary, exhausted, confused or questioning, I simply have to stop. To stop and remember.

God is still in the business of the miraculous. He is still in the business of sanctification and faith stretching.

I pray daily that I would have:

Eyes to see

Hands to receive

And a heart to believe

I believe He is answering that prayer.

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How’s it going?

I’m coming up on the 1 month mark and truthfully, it doesn’t feel that long!

So how’s it going?

Physically, I just can’t believe the difference! Physically, I feel great (just a little sore…healing ya know!).

Mentally, I’m still adjusting. I truthfully feel like I’m getting to know myself again. Not the tiny house girl from 14 years ago, but who am I now and how do I honor this broken body that God is making whole?

I have been finding a lot of Jesus on my beautiful new porch. These crisp (feel like fall) days, the perfect of perfectest weather.

When I saw the completed porch, I knew there was just one thing missing. A rocking chair.

The movement of rocking can help calm the nerves and relax our parasympathetic system. So before I get all therapeutic…look it up 🙂

Rocking chairs can be rather expensive and on a short term disability budget, I knew it was out of the question. I began to pray and ask God for a rocking chair.

Maggie Marie and I have begun to walk a few days a week to begin to rebuild my core and leg strength that has been desecrated.

On one of our lovely end of summer walks this past week, I noticed some rocking chairs in a neighbors yard.

What can it hurt to ask?

I asked.

“I will find you the best!”

He replied.

And that my friends is how God provided a free rocking chair for this anxiety prone tiny house girl.

This beautiful chair shows the weathered signs of days gone by and you know, I think I quite like her that way.

It will serve as a visual reminder that I too am a little weathered worn. And yet, God can still use me to help others soothe their anxiety ridden parasympathetic system.

So how’s it going?

Healing isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon and God continues to show me day in and day out that He is all about the healing.

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Grandma B style please

My beloved sister came out to stay with me several days post op. One morning as she was graciously making my breakfast, she asked me how much butter I would like on my toast.

“Grandma B style please.”

We both laughed because she immediately knew how much butter I meant.

A lot.

And then some.

Grandma B was known for liking some toast with her butter and we have all since fallen in her footsteps, much to our cardiologists dismay.

This morning as I toasted my butter, a smile came across my face as I recall the abundance.

Life hasn’t been easy.

Life wasn’t easy for Grandma B either.

I wonder if butter was her one luxury?

In the ups, the downs and life in the middle, I recall the abundance of God’s faithfulness.

This morning as I study in Ephesians chapter 1, verse 11 popped off the page

He makes everything work out according to His plan.

For those who are suffering that can feel a little harsh.

The question of why God allows suffering, is one for the ages.

I can only share my personal experience.

I will tell you that I know God in ways I never would have known God before. I have changed in ways that I can only attribute to the long wrestling. I have had opportunities that have only opened because of my suffering.

Could God have done it other ways? Sure. Would I have been willing? Honestly, I don’t know.

And so, this morning I recount the abundance. Through lathers of butter, Grandma B still continues to point me to Jesus.

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He is good

Maggie Marie is snoring at the end of the couch. My sister is in the loft working remotely and I sit with coffee in hand overlooking the acres reflecting on the goodness of God.

If you would have asked me a week ago if I thought I would be sitting in my house drinking a coffee today, I would have emphatically answered not likely, and yet, here I am.

Perhaps it was a grace that I didn’t know what to expect this time around. A grace for the work that I needed to do in my own heart.

I believe we all go through levels of surrender, and if we are willing, the Father will take us deeper and deeper.

If I were still in the hospital. If I didn’t pull through like I thought, no matter the what if’s, it would never change the character of God.

I can celebrate the losses along with the wins.

I am still quite sore and VERY nauseous. I’m continuing to learn this new broken and blessed body. This broken and blessed body that is keeping me alive.

He is for us.

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Sunnies and Bluegills

I’m not quite sure I could ever go back to “city” living. The country runs in my veins. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m an introvert or just enjoy the peace that the country affords.

One aspect of country living is that everyone is a “neighbor.” It doesn’t matter if you live one mile away or five, if you’re in the same zip code, we’re neighbors!

This 4th of July my neighbors and friends invited me to their house for a picnic. It was pure delight to travel just a few miles away to these friends and neighbors who live largely off the land.

For the most part I enjoy trying new things. This 4th, that involved fishing! Their grandson, as my fishing guide, taught me all I needed to know about how to catch.

I rigged up my hook with the freshest worms from Bait Buddies (real place not far from THE121) and cast my line.

And there she is!!! My very first fish.

I caught 3 in all as I sat on the dock, tearing worms in half and rebating my hook.

I took in the beauty of God’s creation, breathing deep and squealing with delight as fish after fish bit my hook.

I can’t do what I use to do due to ongoing health concerns. However I am learning to shift my thinking to “what can I do?”

I can leave the acres, travel to my neighbors and catch some sunnies and blue gill.

Next goal, to catch a bass.

Maybe living off the land could be my next goal…

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Spring at Teaberry Acres

Some days are just sad. Sad is ok.

Have you ever had those days? Where the sad news just doesn’t end?

That’s how today felt for me.

As I drove up the gravel drive of Teaberry Acres my heart welled with both sadness and gratitude. Sadness and Gratitude can co-exist.

My eyes turned upwards as my tires rolled over the gravel and proceeded up the hill. My heart was reminded of the generous provisions the Lord has granted me.

With my sneakers still on, I woke Maggie Marie up from her slumber (yes my cockapoo sleeps alllll day) and we stood outside with the sun beckoning us through the trees to talk and walk.

It’s been a second since I’ve been on the back acres, but nonetheless I felt the trees calling and my Spirit needing some grounding.

I climbed over the first downed tree that had fallen years ago and began to walk. With each crunch of leaves fallen months ago my Spirit settled more and more.

As THE121 began to fade, I paused and recognized so many answered prayers exist at Teaberry Acres.

Remember.

Remembering helps me fix my focus. Remembering also beckons me to dream again. As I stood at the spot where two trees precariously leaned against two others that broke their fall, I imagined what this spot could be. What could it hold for future healing?

Does God always have to break us to heal us?

I don’t think the answer is always yes.

However I do know that brokenness does lead to healing if we allow Him to enter into those hard places.

Sadness and Gratefulness can coexist.

My Spirit is challenged to continue to dig in. To remember.

THE121 @teaberryacres is a place of many answered prayers, one of which includes healing.

And just for smiles…enjoy Maggie Marie’s smile on our hike tonight @teaberryacres.

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