Tag: #surgery #anxiety #surrender

Please park…

WARNING: ‼️

GRAPHIC CONTENT BELOW

I received and email recently that sent my anxiety way higher than it should have.

The email went something like this..

“If you are able please park in the overflow parking to allow room for our guests.”

The email truly could not have been any nicer. The problem in my mind was two fold:

1.) the overflow parking is a couple blocks away

2.) the words “if you are able”

How exactly does one decide if they are able?

This was the conundrum in my brain.

At this very moment. I may be. However, in a few moments, I may not be.

And this my friends, is what my new disability has caused.

If you’re being 100% honest with yourself, have you ever seen someone park in a handicap spot, get out and seemingly look completely….fine?

I have.

I have judged.

100%

Hence my conundrum.

What if…I’m not able?

What if…my bag explodes and I need to make a quick escape?

What if…I get sick and can’t walk to my vehicle?

What if….

What if…I appear able but I’m really not?

I made the decision.

The anxiety wasn’t worth the walk. I am not able.

I wanted to be able. But this is not my reality.

Disability doesn’t always equal visibility.

Exhibit A

My apologies if this picture is disgusting. This is the shirt I was wearing under my sweater to the event I was serving at…with the email.

About half way through said event, I began to be sick. I’ll spare you the details, however I did indeed need to make the quick exit due to unforeseen circumstances.

I prayed and prayed the entire drive home, with the windows down as I was heaving and trying to be safe.

I don’t have the ability to vomit and we all know I don’t have a colon. So what happens?

Exhibit A happens.

Did anyone notice 💩 flying out of my abdomen at the event?

I have no idea.

What do I know?

If I can, in whatever way I can, help just one person reframe what ability is and isn’t. I’m here for it.

I use to be that person. The one who use to judge. God forgive me.

If you’ve journeyed with me, you know He is in the business of growing me.

May we all remember disability doesn’t necessarily mean visibility.

Invisible disabilities DO exist.

Some days mine gets the better of me. Praise God, He is sanctifying me.

I also thank God for my cute cockapoo who stays by my side through all my sicknesses.

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Anxiety & The Setting Sun

As I sit by my bay window and watch the sun set on another day at Teaberry Acres my heart knows a peace it hasn’t felt in days.

I’ve noticed a restlessness that is ever so familiar leading up to the days of Drs appointments and surgery.

I’ve been taking more milligrams of melatonin and accomplishing many tasks around teaberry acres. You may be wondering to yourself, what’s the big deal with that?

One word.

Anxiety.

I believe beyond knowing Jesus, one of the best gifts we can give ourselves is to be a student of ourselves.

For me, I know that my inability to sit still or to sleep at night is a flag and the flag’s name is anxiety.

So rather than come home and spread the ton of gravel my awesome neighbor dropped off for me (because yes, I thought that would be a great idea the week before surgery…), I sat still.

I asked the Lord what my soul was anxious about. It really came down to one word.

Control.

Control can be an idol in my life. I love routine, I love stability, I love predictability…all of which encompass control.

My life is going to look VERY different these next three months. Very unpredictable, unstable and maybe not so routine for the first month or more.

So the Lord gave me the picture of the classic trust fall. If you’ve ever been to camp or done team building exercises you know what I am talking about. Where you stand on a table, put your arms across your chest and then fall backwards expecting others to catch you.

He has planned this all out for me. He is asking me to trust Him.

A friend gave me this book for my post surgery read

But I felt called to open a chapter tonight. The soul question was:

“What do I most deeply cherish?”

The answer will often reveal what causes our anxiety and for me, it’s the idol of control.

So I sit in peace, in the stillness of the setting sun as the crickets begin their night song tonight, knowing that with surrender comes trust.

Will you pray with me that I can keep my heart in the place of surrender and trust?

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