If only I were kidding…

Living off the grid in the woods is a lovely life. Even though some think I live in the “wilderness” I find it quite fantastic.

I have learned there is a phrase people use around here and it goes like this, “goin into town.”

Starting a new job, as you can imagine, requires “things.” Those “things” for me have included finger printing and a drug screen. I decided to “stack them up” if you will, to save on my trips “into town.”

Finger printing. ✅

Next up…

Drug Screen ….

And this, my friends, is where the fun began.

I turned down the back alley in my hoarded pick up truck, pulled over to consult my “pass” as to the location of said screening center.

Found it.

I opened the door and waited.

After an episode of HGTV the technician waived me back.

Wash your hands.

Empty your pockets.

Pee to the gallon mark line.

I’ll wait outside the door.

Ready. Set. PEE.

Except I wasn’t prepared to PEE.

Listen, I’ve never had a drug test. Ever. I thought they draw your blood. Don’t judge.

AND all the tips and tricks I’ve ever used were OFF LIMITS.

Run the water. NOPE. The faucet was under a pad lock.

DEEP BREATHES. NOPE. The technician kept knocking on the door.

“Time’s up!” She snarled outside of the door. “Go sit by the water cooler and start drinking!”

Lovely.

After another 27 episodes of HGTV (maybe 26…) I told her I was ready to “try” again.

DENIED

She denied my try!

“If you try and fail we will have to start over.”

Sit back down.

Then the front door to the shady place locks.

LOCKS!

Excuse me? I said to the technician

We are going to lunch. Was her reply.

Bye.

Can I go or do I have to sit here for an hour while you’re at lunch?

Sure.

Thank you Lord, she let me leave!

So there I was, with an hour to “waste” on a VERY full bladder!

I decide to grab a coke from McDonalds because that settles my stomach AND comes with FREE fries.

In my haste, somehow an entire bottle (maybe packet) of ketchup erupts alllllll over my white sweatshirt.

Lovely. The technician is really going to love me now!

I bypass the hour with my coke, fries and a trip to the Dollar Store.

If my bladder was full before, now it’s a Balloon ready to POP!

You know what else is ready to pop?

My ileostomy bag.

Yep. Remember this tiny house girl has an ileostomy bag which also “fills” with fluid intake.

1:06, great lunch break should be over.

I re-enter the shady back alley office and now…there’s a LINE!!!!

I bypass the country man, and a few other bulky construction men to flag down the technician who tried to hold me hostage.

Thankfully she had pity on the girl with ketchup stain all down her sweatshirt with a full ileostomy bag and bladder.

We repeated the empty your pockets, wash your hands…ya da ya da stuff.

Are you ready? She asks

Yep.

I proudly carry my cup into the bathroom again and this time fill it to overflowing!

This should do it.

BUT I also had to empty something else.

My ileostomy bag.

So I prepare to empty. I figured there was the toilet and better to do it when I was near a toilet. Right?

WRONG.

As the contents empty there’s a knock on the door!

What are you doing?!!!

Yep. The technician was standing outside the door.

I am emptying my bag.

Unbeknownst to me, emptying the contents of your ileostomy bag is forbidden in a drug screening!

I’m sorry?

Is that the right response?!

At this point. I have no idea what is and isn’t allowed in a drug screening scenario.

I’m coming out!

I gladly carry my gallon of pee across the hall to my technician friend (I try to call her friend, it doesn’t go well) as if I had won a gold medal! I smile big and hand her said gallon,

She isn’t amused.

Sign here.

I sign my initials, she hands me a paper and points to the door.

Just like that our 1.5 hour escapade is over.

Did I pass?

At this juncture. I’m not even sure how I find myself in these scenarios.

And this my friends, is how my new job begins.

***there may or may not be some exaggeration in this post, but mostly, this is how I recall the events happening.***